10 Facts

I'm sure that anyone on Facebook has seen the new "game" going around where women are sharing their facts about their pregnancies. I, unfortunately, had never been pregnant. However, I am part of an amazing infertility support group on Facebook that has taken that game, and made it into "10 Facts about my Infertility." Here are my 10 facts.

1. I have been off birth control since March 2010, but due to basic training and a deployment we have only been actively TTC for 2 years

2. I have had 5 rounds of clomid and 1 round of Femara.

3. I've done 3 IUIs.

4. We have 'slight' MFI, but I think that there is more to it than they think due to a groin injury my husband received by deployed. However, no one will investigate that.

5. During deployment I had 3 really close girlfriends and none of the 4 of us had children. I was the only one that wanted a child, but now I am the only one that doesn't have one. (One girl is ever pregnant with her second child!)

6. Before we started infertility treatments, I ovulated on my own despite having long irregular periods, since starting I have not ovulated on my own at all.

7. I have gained at least 20 pounds since starting treatments and know that it part of way I am not ovulating anymore.

8. While I may not act happy and through a celebration for other when I find out they are pregnant, I am really very happy for them. I usually send them a message that says such, but they never believe me because I can't express my happiness. I have a hard time expressing that happiness for them because I'm dying on the inside.

9. I honestly feel like I will never have a biological child or know what it feels like to see two pink lines.

10. I am the only one in my family to have fertility problems.

Same story different month

Today I had my follicle scan. I knew when they scheduled my appointment for today it wasn't going to work. If I know one thing it's my body. However, due the the holidays and the clinic's schedule I had to come in today to have any hope of an IUI this cycle. She found that I only have 1 dominate follicle on my left at it's only 1cm. It has to be at least 1.8cm in order to trigger and do the IUI. We initially discussed having me come back tomorrow and see how much they have grown. However after having time to think about it I would rather just do timed intercourse and have a day 21 progesterone drawn to see if I ovulated. I'm so frustrated at this point! I'm tired of going through all this and putting not only my self, but my husband through it. I want to know why I can't conceive and why I have stopped ovulating on my own. If I am honest with myself I know that I have stopped ovulating because of my weight. However I can't find the motivation to do the extreme diet and exercise I have to do in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of venting about all this to my co-worker. She used to be really supportive of me. She went through "sub fertility" 20 years ago and was pregnant 7 times before she was able to have her 2 children. However, recently she keeps telling me that it isn't going to work because I'm too worked up and stressed about it. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm stressed about it really. Yeah sure I keep track of what day I'm on, but I don't obsess about it the way that I used to. Yes I do opk's and, until the dog at my thermometer, was doing my bbt daily, but I don't really see that as stressing over it. Her advise to me this morning was to have a couple of drinks and relax over Thanksgiving. First of all, that wasn't helpful and kind of hurt actually. Secondly, I can't drink anymore. I used to be able to have a couple of drinks occasionally, but now even just one drink will trigger a migraine for me. When I pointed that out she rolled her eyes at me and told me that I just need to chill out. Are you kidding me?!? I know that she feel positive that I will have two children, but still. I'm so tired of people telling me to chill out about this! I just want to cry, but unfortunately I'm stuck at work for another 6 hours. I feel like such a fat failure today. When I look in the mirror all I see is an obese failure of a woman. I wish I had the ability to take a mental health day from work, but we do get Thursday and Friday off so that will be a nice break.

Fingers Crossed

Tomorrow is cd11 and my doctor wants me to come in for a follicle scan. She thinks that they will be mature enough for me to trigger tomorrow and do the IUI on Wednesday. I have my doubts, but we shall see. I started doing opk's last night and while it was a negative, it was a fairly dark line, much darker than I ever got last month. Maybe she will be right and they will be mature enough to do the IUI Wednesday.

One of the things that we do as a hobby is take pictures. Typically we just do so for ourselves, however last year we took some for a friend of mine for her Christmas cards. Well she liked them enough to ask us to do them for her again this year. Last year we took lovely pictures at a local park. However this year was challenging because she wanted to do it during a walk with reindeer. Trying to get good pictures of them with reindeer proved to be challenging. We ended up with several shots where the antlers were covering at least one of their faces, but we did get some good pictures as well. If you ever travel to the Fairbanks area I highly recommend doing the walk with reindeer. Running Reindeer Ranch is open year around and not only do you get to walk and interact with the reindeer, but after the walk the couple invites you into their house for a warm drink and they teach you about reindeer. It's a lot of fun and very educational.

Tired & Angry

For the last two days I've been very angry. I'm so sick of not being able to be a mom. I was there for one of my friends while she miscarried last week, and am currently helping another one deal with a possible miscarriage. However, are they there for me? Hell no!I'm tired of being used! I'm tired of people running to me with all their pregnancy questions because I'm a nurse and know a lot due to my tireless research because of our infertility. It's totally different if they are there to support me as well. My neighbor is amazing like that! She talks to me about her pregnancies and concerns and I help her through them, then she asks me how our treatments are going and what the next step is and such. She is totally supportive of me. I don't know how to get over my anger. I can't block myself off from everyone, that's not healthy. However, it also isn't healthy to hold in my anger.

Another thing fueling my anger is my husband's lack of boundaries. One of his soldiers spends more time at our house than anywhere else. In the last 10 days, my husband and I have had 1 evening to ourselves, the other 9 this guy was there. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy and helps out around the house a lot, but I feel like 9 nights out of 10 is a bit much for anyone.

On top of that AF finally decided to make her appearance on Saturday. Unfortunately, based on my stupid doctor's rule of not doing anything on weekends or holidays we won't get to do an IUI this month. I was so upset when AF showed up because I knew that was going to happen. I went ahead and called to schedule my day 12 ultrasound, but surprise, surprise, she is totally booked that day. I'm afraid she won't even do it since there is no chance for an IUI. If that's the case then I'm going to see if one of the doctors I used to work with would do a scan for me to see if anything is growing. I know that they can't do the IUI, but I would like to know if my follicles are even responding since this will be the first cycle with this medication.

Adoption No Go

Well our adoption meeting on Friday was absolutely horrible! We left there and both agreed that adoption wasn't for us. The Reed shocked the crap outta me and said that he would rather try several rounds of IVF before looking into adoption again. What a huge change! Last year at this time he didn't want anything to do with IVF.

Here's the details on our adoption appointment. We show up at 1300, my poor husband sounded so sick and was totally exhausted from being in the field all week, and go to the door to find the building locked. As we are halfway back to the car (because it's cold and snowing) someone comes running to open the door for us. We proceed to tell them why they are they and they go to tell the lady that we're there and tell us it'll be a few minutes. Twenty minutes passes and we are about to leave when the lady at the desk decides to finally call the lady we were supposed to meet with to tell us that we were there because she isn't even in the building!! Seriously?!? Finally we get back to the lady's office (30 minutes late) and proceed with the "interview." We find out that we are at the top of their bracket for income so it'll cost us $21,500 to adopt. Ugh! Then she is telling us about a couple who adopted from overseas to show us the difference in the process and in the middle of the story says that they are adopting because they care about children, not because they can't conceive. I was so hurt by that! I felt like she was telling us that we didn't care about kids! Are you kidding me?!? Do you know what we have put ourselves through in order to have a child of our own?!? Do not ever tell me that I don't care about kids because I wouldn't be doing everything that I'm doing if I didn't care! After that I honestly stopped listening and did everything I could to keep from crying.

As soon as we walked out of that office we decided that we would NEVER go through them to adopt a child. If we do decide to look into adoption again then we will look to other agencies in the lower 48. However, we're going to keep our fingers crossed that this next round of IUI with Femara with work. Just waiting on AF to arrive now.

Adoption?

I have absolutely no faith that this next cycle, the first with Femara, is going to work. I honestly feel like it is impossible for me to get pregnant. That being said, Reed hates seeing me so upset month after month and suggested that we start looking into adoption. He initally said that he didn't want to do that until I was 30 (just under 2.5 years from now), but has since changed his mind. He wants a family too. I know he does, he just doesn't say it and does his best to keep his cool so that I don't feel any worse than I already do.

Last week I called and got information from the local adoption agency. I nearly fell over when I saw that it would cost anywhere fom $13,500 - $21,500 for a private adoption and that this was based on a sliding scale. Ugh! My husband cheerfully added that the "military will help us pay for it." To which I had to burst his bubble and say that they only pay $2000. After reading through the education that the center gave us I called to schedule our intake interview. Again I was shocked that will cost us $75. Just to find out more and where to start costs money!! I have always wondered why so many people adopt from foreign countries when there are so many children in America that need adopting. I think it's sad that there are so many kids who age out of the system and are never adopted. However, our country does nothing to really help those kids. I'm hoping that our intake appointment goes well and that we get the information that we are looking for. One thing we found while reading the information they sent us was that almost all their adoptions are at least partially open. We both really want a closed adoption. I feel like if it were an open adoption I would feel like it wasn't our child, but this other person's that we are just raising. I'm sure that wouldn't be the case once we actually get the child, but is still a big fear of mine. What if they say that we can't adopt through them if we want a closed adoption? What does a semi open adoption mean?

Punishment?

Sometimes, especially right now, I feel like I'm being punished for something which is why we can't have a child. Am I being punished for not regularly going to church anymore? Is it because I put off having a family so I could finish my education and establish a carer? Is it because of the less than ideal choices I have made in the past? I can't really explain why I feel as if I'm being punished, but from what I understand this is a common feeling related to infertility.

On top of feeling punished I feel like I am only half a woman. Women, by their very nature, are created to be more nuturing and loving and to have children. We endure the misery of AF knowing/hoping that one day it will all pay off by concieving a child. However, that doesn't work out for me. I firmly believe that it is impossible for me to get pregnant.

Last night was terribly rough for me. I had to go pick up my fertility medication yesterday. I was supposed to get both the Provera and Femara. So I arrive at the hospital (where our pharmacy)only to find that the parking lot (which is way too small anyway) is over crowded because of trick-or-treating going on there. Afer finally finding a place to park, I walk in to find that the whole place is crowded with kids in various costumes and their parents. It was like the world was reminding me that I don't and can't have children of my own. Then I get to the pharmacy and find two women right in front of me breatfeeding their tiny babies. Are you kidding me?!? I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Hopefully today will be better! We are looking at doing our next IUI the week of Thanksgiving if everything goes like it should. Praying for my miracle then.

Entering the Operating Room

I spent the first half of my career as a RN taking care of people after surgery in the hospital and the second half of my career taking care of them in the physician office before and after surgery. However today I finally got to help take care of my patients IN the operating room! The surgeon that I work with is just out of residency and not jaded to the world of surgery and has wanted me to come into the operating room with her since her first OR day basically. This finally happened today. It was AMAZING!! I love everything about it. We did a total of 3 surgeries today and after the first one I relaxed and really enjoyed it all. My surgeon and our OR staff were amazing and not intimidating at all which totally helped!! I can't wait to go back!!

3 types of pregnant women

I have come to the conclusion that there are three basic types of pregnant women. The first are the ones who are fertile myrtles and have no idea what it is like to struggle to have a baby. They have no understanding or respect really for the feelings of an infertile woman. The second type are the ones who don't necessarily have a hard time getting pregnant, but do have to try a bit harder than the type one women and are more understanding of infertile women. Then there are the ones who struggle for years to conceive. They understand the pain that each pregnancy announcement and "baby bump" picture brings. Unfortunately I will be like the type three women once, if ever, I am finally able to conceive.

The majority of my "friends" are type one. They are pregnant almost as soon as they start to try to have a baby. I don't really think of them as real friends because they only talk to me when they need something or want to vent their frustrations/misery to someone. They don't know if something is safe during pregnancy and they don't trust their doctor (which is another story all together); they have no problem coming to me because I'm a nurse so I must know. They also think that there is nothing wrong with coming to me to complain about their pregnancy symptoms (i.e. how much their boobs hurts or how sick they are or how much weight they have gained) and how overbearing their husbands are. Plus don't think when they talk about how much caffeine they have because they are "so tired." Are you kidding me?!? Do you know how bad caffeine is for the baby?!? I'm sure that they don't mean to cause pain, but if all you ever talk about is your pregnancy/baby it hurts. I'm sure other women who have struggled or are struggling with infertility will understand.

Then there are the women who have had to actually try to get pregnant. While they don't have the diagnosis of infertility, it does take them several months to get pregnant. These women are more understanding of what it feels like to not be able to conceive right away. They, on average, are more likely to make healthy options for themselves and the baby. They take the nausea and fatigue in stride and just accept that it is part of growing a human inside of you. You rarely hear them complain about their pregnancy and when you do it's cause for concern because it really is something wrong. They do lots of research on their own about what is best for the baby and what is not. When you talk to them not everything revolves around them and their pregnancy. You talk about the latest news, the crazy weather in Alaska, your dog, their daughter, both of your husband’s jobs, anything and everything and you feel like they truly care about you as a person! They know that they can come to you to ask questions related to their pregnancy and you will gladly help them. However, they also take the time to ask how you are doing, how the whole infertility thing is going and tell you that if it gets too much for you to let them know. I'm so lucky that my neighbor, Crystal, is this way! Unfortunately they are scheduled to move in April and I will miss chatting outside while the kids and dog play.

Finally there are the women who have struggled and beat infertility. Ok, so maybe beat isn't the right word but it's the best I could think of. These women totally get it. They know how much of a miracle a pregnancy and baby are and are so thankful to be where they are. I used to work in an OB/Gyn clinic and we had a patient who found out she was pregnant in our office and immediately broke down. Turns out she and her husband had been trying for 8 years to have a child of their own and had finally just given up. At her first appointment with the OB provider she told us that not only was she really nauseated at the time, but that she got so violently ill one night that she ruptured a blood vessel on her temple. However, she didn't complain. She just smiled and said that it didn't matter because she was so thankful to have this baby. She was a huge sore of hope and inspiration to me personally. She is coming up on her due date soon and I'm sad that I no longer work there so I won't get to see her baby.

Follow up Appointment

Today was my follow up appointment with my doctor after the HSG and pelvic ultrasound. She said that everything looked normal so we are going to proceed with the plan of Femara on days 3-7 and then a follicle scan on cd12. I asked her about this cycle and the chance that I haven't ovulated and she kinda blew me off which is terribly frustrating. I asked if maybe because I drink too much water that my urine is too diluted to give a positive result. She basically interrupted me and said that wouldn't matter. The nurse, who actually listened, seemed to agree with my theory. Anyways, she didn't want to do any lab work this time to see if I actually ovulated on my own, instead she wants to wait and have me call her on cd45 if I don't start. Ugh!!! I just want to scream! Why make me wait when we know that I haven't ovulated on my own recently! Then to make things worse, she told us that she doesn't do IUI's on the weekends or holidays when the clinic staff is closed. Basically if there is no nursing staff she won't do it! My last doctor would come in on the weekends or whatever because it's not like I can control when my body decides to ovulate. I just want to slam my head against the wall over and over again with frustration. Why must everything be do freaking hard?!? Why do I feel like I have to jump through freaking hoops just to have a child? My efforts to remain optimistic and positive about this whole things have fallen flat and I'm a "doubting Thomas" again! Why does everything seem to come so easily to everyone around me, but I have to struggle for everything!

In other news all of my supplements have come in! I'm excited to try those and see if they work and if I start feeling more like my old self (pre-Clomid) again. Here's the supplements I'm taking: Fish Oil, Co-Q 10, Cholesterol Balance (on top of fertility we have discovered my cholesterol is slightly elevated and my liver is "fatty"), Vitamin B-12, N-Acetyl Cysteine, Fertility Blend, Vitamin D, and Prenatal Vitamins. I feel like a crazy old lady with all my pills, but I firmly believe in supplements, especially for DHA & EPA (found in the fish oil) because I can't stand fish most of the time. I chose these supplements based on a very helpful book,Be Fruitful by Dr Victoria Maizes. One of the OB-Gyn's recommended this book because she is friends with Dr Maize and really respects her insight on infertility. Dr Maize is a very well known integrative medicine physician in Arizona and while she recognizes the importance of and need for Western medicine, she also knows that eastern medicine is also very effective. I figure that nothing else has worked, so why not try it. It won't hurt anything and there is strong evidence of these supplements helping women conceive.
On top of starting new supplements to help conceive I'm also back on the wagon so to speak in regards to exercise. I'm so tired of being overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. I look at myself in the mirror every day with disgust with what I have let become of my body. My husband is all about me being healthier because if I'm healthier he will be too. So he has committed to helping me get up every morning when he gets up for PT, which is normally around 0515, so that I can do my own exercises. Today was brutal because it was the first day and I didn't sleep well last night at all, but I'm determined to do it so hopefully it'll get easier one day.

Another couple of setbacks

My follow up with my doctor after the HSG & pelvic ultrasound was supposed to be this coming Thursday. Our plan was to discuss the test results and get everything ready for Femara & IUI with the next cycle. However, Friday afternoon I got a call from her office saying that she had to go on emergency leave and I would have to be rescheduled to her next available appointment was October 23. I sat at my desk and cried because this means that most likely we won't get to do any treatments for the first 2 cycles after our HSG which are supposed to be the 2 most fertile. Then to make matters worse my husband has to go out to the field all week this week which means that he will probably be gone when I ovulate, if I ovulate on my own. Seriously?!? Can't a girl catch a break?

Now onto a problem. I've been doing opk's twice a day (at lunch and after work) since Thursday. I never got a positive result and now the lines seem to be getting lighter. I forgot to test at lunch, but when I came home there was no second line at all. I thought that maybe it was because I had too much water today and my urine was too diluted, so I refrained from drinking much tonight and tested again. This time I can't tell if there is a line there at all or if my eyes are seeing things. If there is one it is incredibly light. Has this happened to anyone else? Can anyone help me out with what is going on?

Rantings of a bitter infertile

I moved out of ob/gyn to work in a surgery clinic because I couldn't handle constantly hearing about babies and pregnancies! I loved working in women's health and I find it a very interesting aspect of nursing, but since I'm infertile I can't handle it mentally and emotionally. However, in my first couple of days in general surgery one of the receptionist joked that she was infertile because she doesn't like kids. She isn't infertile...she's on birth control to prevent having children. That is completely different! Then today I'm sitting at my desk researching ways to further my education & career since my surgeon was in surgery and my co-worker who shares a space with me, but works in a different department is going off with one of the other ladies that works in her department about pregnancies and how her son's girlfriend is pregnant. I couldn't take it, I had to walk away. I'm very open with my co-workers and they all know that I'm infertile and going through various treatments/tortures to try to have children. Typically they are understanding and try not to have "those" conversations around me because they it's something that I struggle greatly with. However this particular co-worker believe the myth that if you stop trying or stop thinking about it, it will happen. It took a lot of restraint on my part to keep from slapping her when she said that.

All clear

Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound and HSG. Those were a blast...just kidding! The pelvic ultrasound wasn't too bad, up until she had to look at my kidneys. Who knew that kidneys were involved in pelvic ultrasounds?!? That's when it got uncomfortable, having to look up under my ribs. Not only was it not fun, but it brought back the horror of my first echo where they found the hole in my heart. Thankfully though, no holes were found in the kidneys! The ultrasound tech told me that my ultrasound looked normal as far as she could tell, but we have to wait until next Thursday to get the official word from my doctor. Speaking of the tech she was not my favorite person. She confirmed with me on the way back to the room that I was not pregnant and had never been pregnant. Then while explaining the HSG she repeated that information no less than 4 times. I wanted to say, "I get it, I'm not currently nor have I ever been pregnant," but I just kept my mouth shut. She also explained things in very "dumbed down" term, it was almost insulting. I'm a smart women who happens to be a nurse and also researches everything like crazy. Although I understand why she explained everything like that I couldn't help but be slightly offended. Prior to the HSG I had to have a pregnancy test. Yes I understand the reasoning for it, but still sucks to see the stark white negative. As I looked down at the negative test I found myself wondering what it would feel like to see two pink lines. Hopefully one day I will know what that feels like. Next came the HSG. Unfortunately they wouldn't let my husband come in the room with me so it was just me, the tech and the doctor. That was a pretty miserable experience. After digging to what felt like China down there he decided to use a bigger speculum and then resumed digging only to "take a break" a little while later. Then he resumed and said that he was having problems because my cervix was angled down. Hmm...never heard that before, maybe that could be part of our problems. Finally he was able to get the catheter into my cervix. Next came the dye, talk about pain! Luckily the dye went through both tubes. It took longer on the right side, but eventually it went though. Once everything was removed the initial cramping and pain was over. My husband greeted me in the lobby with a grateful hug when I told him everything looked ok and then I went to work thinking the pain was over. Boy was I wrong! About 3 hours later I was hit suddenly with severe pain in my entire abdomen. It was like I was full of gas, but there was no gas. I tried everything I could think of to make it go away and nothing worked. Finally, thanks to benadryl, I was able to go to sleep. Today I still have the pain, but not as bad as last night. It still hurts when I go from sitting to standing and just aches all the time. I really wish that my doctor had warned me about the pain afterwards and that the ultrasound tech, in all her explaining, had told me that might happen. Although I admittedly tuned out when she kept repeating my pregnancy history, or lack there of, I don't recall hearing anything about the pain. Maybe an take home handout would be a good idea? I start doing my opk's on Thursday and hopefully will ovulate on my own this month. Then next week we'll review everything and set up a plan for next cycle, although I'm secretly hoping that by having my tubes cleaned out it'll happen for us this month.

Snow...

Snow has officially arrived in Alaska. Go ahead and double check your calendar...yes it's only September 18th! I get that I live in Alaska and that snow is expected, but this is just too darn soon. This is the start of my third winter in Fairbanks, but we typically don't get snow until September 30th and even then it doesn't stick until mid-Octoberish (yes, Octoverish is now a word). While it isn't technically sticking to the streets and sidewalks, it is sticking to our grass at this point. It's supposed to "warm" up to the lower 40's today which will melt the snow in theory, but we'll see. We didn't make it out of the 30's yesterday. My little furbaby has never really experienced snow I don't think. While he was born in early February and we had snow until May, I don't know how much he was out in it because we didn't get him until June. So I'm considering this his first snow. Unfortunately I was not feeling well this morning so I didn't get to take him out in it and see what he thought. My husband let him out earlier, but didn't say anything about how Jacks handled the snow. I'm still trying to be optimistic that the snow will not still and accumulate, but seeing as how it has been snowing for approximately the last 5 hours and shows no sign up letting up. Time to fire up the crock pot, dig out the hot chocolate, turn on the heats, stock up on movies & xbox games, and bring on the blankets...winter is here.

Only 4 more

This round of Provera has been so much worse than the other one, or I just forgot how bad it was. All weekend I would just randomly breakdown crying hysterically over nothing. I also felt on edge the whole time like I was about to blow up over something as small as a broken nail. As of today I have 4 pills left to take. I hate being an infertile woman so much! Today I'm just angry. Angry that I have to take medication to have a period, angry that I have to do all the crap to my body just to have a child. Why can I not just be "normal"? What am I supposed to learn from this? Was it not enough that I had to have heart surgery at 14?

My poor husband has been super supportive this time. When we first started our treatments he was always getting frustrated with me and rolling his eyes when I got emotional. However, this time he's been great. He just holds me and lets me cry. He doesn't roll his eyes when I get mad (at least not that I can see) and he doesn't get too upset! We had a great talk on night after I started my Provera and have decided that if the next 3 cycles with Femara don't work then we will pursue adoption. I'm not mentally ready for IVF. Hats off to you ladies that go through IVF, it just seems too overwhelming to me. I'm going to try my best to hold onto hope that Femara will be our golden ticket and that next year we will welcome our first child into this world, but I'm struggling to hold onto that hope.I'm anxious to have the HSG and pelvic ultrasound done though. I really want answers as to why I have stopped ovulating on my own!

Round 2

Today I started my second round of Provera. I'm not thrilled! Last time I was on Provera I hated it and I don't have high hopes for this time.  Today is cd79, so I knew it was inevitable that I would take the medication, but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it. They called to schedule my HSG yesterday and pelvic u/s today, but told me that they want me on cd7, so I couldn't get that scheduled. I guess I'll be calling them in 10-12 days. I'm having some anxiety about my cycles though. Since we aren't going to do anything until after the HSG & pelvic u/s results come back I won't be on any medication for my next cycle and I'm worried that I won't ovulate again. This used to never be a fear for me, but now it is a very real one. I'm planning on taking Vitex once I finally start my cycle and know that is supposed to help, so we'll see. I'm getting pretty desperate. I'm really hoping that the 3 cycles after the HSG are successful for us and we will have a baby next year.

On to more exciting things...the surprise party for my dad was a total success! Although no one was really able to make it he was completely surprised! One of his best friends was able to make it and we had a lot of fun. During the meal they sat around telling stories making us laugh like crazy then we had a great time with the cake (my sister lit the candles with a blowtorch), and then watched a funny movie today. All in all it was a great night! I missed my two boys back home like crazy, but really enjoyed the time with my parents and especially my sister!

I met the new doctor that I'm working with yesterday. She seems really nice and I look forward to working with her. I'm nervous though because that's how the previous surgeon I worked for was at first and she turned out to be way off her rocker! I hope the same thing doesn't happen again. Being back in ob/gyn this week has been bittersweet! I absolutely love the people I work with down there, but mentally/emotionally I can't handle working around all the pregnant women. If only I could get pregnant! There is a new position that just opened up in that department and if I could get pregnant or didn't want any kids of my own yet, I would be begging to stay there, but that just isn't the case. Oh well, here's to lots of changes and hop fully some good luck!!

Surprise!!!

Next weekend my dad will be 60. So my sister and I decided to throw a surprise party for him. We decided to do it the weekend before his birthday because it's Labor Day weekend and we figured that more people would be able to make it since it was a holiday weekend. Well, that was a great thought, but it didn't really work out. As of right now there is only one other person aside from me that is coming from out of town, but I don't think he'll care. I booked my ticket to come back to Texas about a month ago and wasn't able to call home or talk to them at all so I wouldn't ruin the surprise. I flew in yesterday afternoon and my sister picked me up from the airport. She had arranged to meet out for dinner and the look on my dad's face was priceless! We definitely surprised him! He was totally shocked. My mom knew about the party and knew that I was coming in, but didn't know when, so we were still able to surprise her. I'm looking forward to the party tomorrow. We made an amazing cake for him and have all kinds of fun decorations planned. Getting him out of the house tomorrow has proved a bit challenging, but I think we finally got that squared away It's been so nice being back at my parents house and I'm having a blast being with my sister again. However, I miss my two boys back home like crazy! I've never been the one to leave, I'm used to  being the one left behind so this is odd for me. The best part about this whole trip is getting my mind off my infertility. Of course the stupid headaches are still going strong, so that totally sucks and infertility isn't completely gone, but it's not as prevalent in my mind as normal. I'm totally looking forward to our "party" tomorrow!!

New Doctor, Renewed Hope

So Reed and I met with the new doctor yesterday. I'm still in an OB-Gyn office, but she does fertility a lot. There are no RE's in the entire state of Alaska and Tricare won't pay for me to go to an RE if  that service is offered at my MTF (Military Treatment Facility).

After asking some fellow Army wives about my new doctor as well as my old doctor I found that my previous one struggles with infertility herself, and has almost a jealousy type thing going on. Are you kidding me?!? How can you treat infertility patients as well as OB patients as a doctor with this whole jealousy thing going on?!? I personally know how hard it is to work around OB patients while struggling with infertility. That's why I had to leave my department and go back to surgery. It's just so challenging to be happy for a new OB patient or a new mom coming in for all her OB checks and post-partum checks when I want so badly to be a mom and every effort I have tried has failed.

Anyways...my new doctor did come across as a bit abrasive. Many of the Army wives that I talked to said that my new doctor was horrible and they absolutely hated her. I can see that. She wasn't one to come in all smiles and make small talk with you, but when you  get down to it, I don't want small talk and chit chat I want to get pregnant. In fact she came in, sat down at the computer and asked me what my goal was from my appointment with her. That did shock me a bit, but I just told her "I want to get pregnant, and I don't feel like what I was doing was working, so I want a second opinion." I laid out everything that I hoped for, the tests I wanted, the medications I wanted to try, exactly what had happened with the previous medication and such. She said that she thinks that I most likely have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) despite my labs being normal. I told her that I thought all along that I either had PCOS or an estrogen dominance thing going on. She explained that PCOS is a triad type thing and that you have to have two of the three symptoms/conditions to get diagnosed. One is not ovulating, which I'm not, and the other one for me is acne. At 27 years old my skin still is breaking out like crazy. Like I have to use a particular face wash and make sure to wash my face twice a day and I still have problems. Ugh...my hope is that we can get the PCOS under control and my skin will clear up and I can get my weight under better control.

She made me do a pregnancy test while I was there yesterday since my last cycle started 6/18/13. I had this small fleeting hope that by some miracle it would come back positive, but like normal it was negative. While I understand the reason for doing a pregnancy test, I really wish that she wouldn't have made me do it. Hearing the negative again is heartbreaking. Is it ever going to be positive???

So for now the plan is to do a pelvic ultrasound to get a baseline, and HSG to make sure that my tubes are open and not kinked, if no AF by then Provera to get started and then Femara. At first she was going to make me do one more round of Clomid 100mg, but then changed her mind and is going to just start with Femara. She said that after 3 rounds of something the success rates fall. So we've done three rounds of timed intercourse with negatives and three rounds of Clomid IUI's with negatives, so now we'll try Femara. Hopefully we will only have to do one round and then we'll be good to go!

Still nothing

I've been so down about this whole infertility thing recently I haven't even felt like writing anything. I'm still really down. I just don't get it. Why can't I have a child? I'm starting to think that maybe I would be a good mother and that's why. It's so painful working in OB-Gyn and seeing all the pregnant women and our post-partum patients with their new, beautiful babies. We ha,.ve a patient who is going for a special abortion at 18 weeks down in Seattle. It makes me so angry! She was planning on aborting the baby very early in her pregnancy because it was making her really sick, but then that went away and the pregnancy "got easy" so she kept it. Now she's really sick again, think hyperemesis, and she is telling her family that it is either her life or the baby's and that's 100% false. Why do people like that get to be pregnant and I don't? I would take hyperemesis over infertility any day! My sister-in-law is a truly amazing woman, she had hyperemesis with both her pregnancies. She was on IV fluids and IV medications from 6 weeks until she delivered. That's what a true mother is!

I've been doing the acupuncture still. While I love it I think tomorrow is going to be my last session for a while. Unfortunately our insurance won't cover acupuncture I don't feel like we can realistically afford $130 every week. It's true that it relaxes me more than anything else I've ever done, but I've gotta be honest/realistic and realize that at this point it just it too much. We are wanting to save a lot in case I ever get pregnant so I will be able to stay home for a while with our baby.

I'm currently on cycle day 64 with no sign of af any time soon. I've taken several home pregnancy tests and all were negative and went for lab work recently and randomly did one that also came back negative. My acupuncturist and a naturopath doctor that she works with have done all kinds of things to start my cycle for the last month with nothing. I had irregular cycles before starting our infertility treatments back in December 2012, but nothing like this. Prior to now my cycles were typically between 33-36 days long with my longest cycle being 45 days. My ob-gyn that I have to see for infertility (I can't see an RE because our insurance won't pay for it and there isn't one at all in Alaska) immediately put me on Clomid 50mg despite the fact that I was ovulating on my own. Since being on the Clomid I feel like everything has been messed up. I have gained approx. 15-20 lbs since I started taking it, my mood/mental well being has taken a nose dive, my skin is breaking out like crazy and in the end I just told feel like myself anymore. Has anyone taken Clomid and felt this way then switched to a different medication and had success? I'm planning on doing research on different fertility medications like Clomid and asking if we can try one of those instead. Any advise would be much appreciated!

I'm so frustrated that we have been through 5 rounds of Clomid (4 with 50mg and 1 with 100mg), each time producing only one follicle, and 3 rounds of IUI with no success. I've never seen 2 pink lines. I feel like that is something that my doctor is missing, something that is causing our infertility that she is either blowing off or not looking into it. From our very first appointment with her last October I have asked if the trauma from my husband's IED accident could cause problems since he did have significant bruising and swelling in his groin as well as abrasions on his scrotum. I felt like she blew me off and belittled my feelings. I called the clinic a couple weeks ago and asked for a referral for a second opinion. Thanks to the "amazing" Army system I was told that they are not allowed to send me off post for something that they can do there. So they set me up with an appointment with an another provider. Reluctantly I agreed, but I'm still not very optimistic. I've heard from some other spouses on our base that she is very knowledgeable, but has a horrible bedside manner. Personally I don't care if she's friendly and chatting, I just want her to help me to get pregnant.

Really?!? Caution Long Vent Ahead!

I haven't been on here in several weeks due to many reasons. Anyways, I come back today and find out several of the blog I read have gotten pregnant. While I am extremely excited about that it also makes my angry and sad. On top of that my co-worked who did her first IUI with a non-medicated, monitored cycle got a faint BFP yesterday. Seriously?!? Why not me?!?!?! I'm so extremely depressed about this all right now. Literally everyone around me is pregnant. I can't escape it! I've been doing acupuncture and herbal supplements, and while I love them because I feel amazing, I don't know if it's working. I'm so discouraged right now and feel like having a biological child just isn't something that is going to happen for me.
Onto the next subject...my husband. I'm so frustrated with him and his job. I haven't really gotten to spend much quality time with him for the last 6 weeks. He spend 3-4 weeks doing intense training for his expert infantryman badge (which he was eliminated in the second to last day) then he got block leave and his friend came up for the entire two weeks with his son so my husband spent the majority of his time with them and I got to "tag along." Now he's back to work and the first day they tell him that he is going into the field for training for the next 2 nights. As if that isn't enough when he gets back he has intense training for the rest of the week and then has to do it all over again next week! What does a girl have to do to get quality time with her husband?!?!

Time to try something new

I've been away for a while, but unfortunately that isn't because I finally out my bfp. I've been quite busy with our new little fur baby. He is amazing! I can't imagine what we did without him!
Anyways, as I have said before we have decided to take a break from fertility treatments this summer. However, I decided that doesn't mean completely stop. I talked with Reed about it and he agreed that it was ok to try acupuncture and such. I had my first acupuncture appointment on Friday and loved it! I felt like she actually listened to me and cared about me as a person. While I know that my doctor is really good, I felt like she never really listened to me or cared about me as person. I always felt like I was just another patient to her. The acupuncturist told me that she would like to try 2 cycles and see if she could get my cycles regulated and then if I still wasn't pregnant she wanted to refer me to one of the naturopathic doctors there that specializes in the treatment of infertility. She gave me so much hope and that was amazing! I loved the whole appointment on Friday and left feeling so optimistic and positive that we will have a baby!

Coming to the end

I'm coming up on the end of my 2ww. I'm still trying to be optimistic, but right now doubt is getting the best of me. I'm starting to really feel like I'm just not meant to ever get pregnant. I have had some encouraging signs during these two weeks and it has been really hard not to read into them. For starters I woke up with strong cramping 7dpiui. I know that is when implantation happens so I'm hopeful that means good things are happening now. I've also felt very off since Tuesday. I've had strong waves of nausea, a bad headache and been so "spacey." I've also been very tired, but I know that's because of our new addition to the family, Jackson. (More about him in a bit) I can easily chalk all my "symptoms" to just being really tired. I took a hpt 10dpiui and got a stark white negative. Logically I know that it is far too early to tell, but it was still disappointing. Now I'm trying to decide if/when I should take the official test. Should I just wait for AF? I can't decide, but knowing me I'll probably test. I just want this so darn bad! Got off a bit there...other reasons I'm optimistic. DH said that the sample was the "biggest and best" so far. Then during the IUI she said that she saw ovulation mucous. I had absolutely no CM until after the cramping on day 7. While I had no spotting I still like to think of that as a good sign. Finally my day 21 progesterone came back at 12.16 which means I not only ovulated but I super ovulated. A result of 5 indicates ovulation and 10 is what they want for infertility treatments. All that being said, it's still really hard to stay optimistic just because it hasn't worked before.

On to more important and exciting news. DH finally agreed to get a dog!!! He said that he was just tired of me nagging him about it. No matter what made him finally decide to say yes, he loves our new little man. We really wanted to adopt a dog from the shelter, but unfortunately they are filled with pit and pit mixes which we are not allowed to have in base housing. I had done some research and decided that I really wanted a beagle so I started looking around and found a breeder close by who had two 16 week old beagles that were ready for a new home. We drove out there and came back with Jackson! The reason we chose Jackson as his name is because I had a very vivid dream the week before about having a dog named Jackson that was brown and white. Our Jackson is a tri-color beagle which looks exactly like the doggy in my dreams. Jackson is the perfect puppy! He is so well behaved and we have him potty trained in just under a week. He's so smart and playful, but does love his naps. So far he doesn't bark and only whines a little when we leave for work. He also doing great with leash training. I love him so much! We really couldn't have gotten a better puppy for our family.

Fake it till you make it

While I still remain fairly optimistic that this is our month, I'm starting to drive myself nuts. My mind is constantly going to thoughts of my uterus. I keep wondering what is going on down there. Is our child forming and growing? This two week wait sucks! I wish I could just fast forward these two weeks, either that or take them off work. Today I'm angry at all my ob patients. They didn't have to go through this tourture that I have had to and am currently going through to have a child. They just did the deed and then missed their next period and were pregnant. I know that I should be angry, but I am. I still have 6 hours of work left today. Ugh...I don't know how I can make it; 7 of my 10 remaining patients are ob patients. A phrase I learned in nursing seems quite fitting for today..."fake it till you make it"

Bloating!

I'm currently 2dpiui and have mercy am I bloated! With my previous 2 IUI's I've never had a problem with bloating, but today I'm a freaking balloon. I typically kick my shoes off while I'm sitting at my desk charting or answering phone messages from patients. Well this morning when I went to put them back on to check in a patient I barely got them on. I couldn't believe it! Then I look at my hands and my fingers look like little sausages. I've heard that drinking lots of water helps reduce bloating so I'm going to try that today. Anyone have any other suggestions?

Let the waiting begin

IUI #3 was this afternoon. After a couple of little hiccups we ended up with what was probably our best sample yet and got it done. Now just waiting 14 to see if it stuck. Right now I'm very cautiously optimistic about everything. I have this gut feeling this time it will work. I've had this before and been wrong, but hopefully this time is different. The timing is quite perfect because we should find out if it stuck right around Father's Day. What a cool thing it would be if I took a test, and got a positive for my husband on Father's Day. I don't want to think about that too much, but think it would be really really cool!

We'll see what happens

In a few hours we will be going in for IUI #3. My follicle scan yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped it would, but I honestly wasn't surprised. I started having lots of sharp cramping pains on my left side, which I knew from my scan on Friday was the side my follicle was growing on. When I went in for the scan she said that I had one that was 13, but it had a jagged edge and with the cramping she thinks that the egg had been released that morning. So we decided to go ahead with the IUI today and see if anything happens. Hopefully this IUI along with the timed intercourse will work for us this month. We had quite the time scheduling the IUI because of my husband's work schedule. She wanted to do it as close to the positive opk (Sunday afternoon) and the cramping yesterday so we agreed on 0830 today. I called my husband as soon as we got out and of course he can't do that because of the stupid training they are doing! I was so mad! I don't make him come to any of my appointments with me, he doesn't have to do anything except show up that one day with that junk in the cup. I know that in his way he is supportive, but I don't feel like he is most of the time. He is constantly complaining about how crazy I get on the meds and such. I can't wait to finally have success and to be a mom.

This whole fertility thing is really taking toll on me mentally. I know that a big part of it is because of working on OB-Gyn dept. It is so hard for me to see all the pregnant women, especially all the ones that are not in a stable relationship or don't take care of themselves and the growing baby. Yesterday we had a young girl come in who got pregnant while on birth control and has PCOS! Are you kidding me?!?! It's so hard to fake being happy all day and then come home and not feel like I can't let it all out when I get home. Only a couple more months and I will back into surgery, I can't wait!

I don't how much more I can handle

My lovely doctor was kind enough to go ahead with the follicle scans for this cycle to try for the IUI. Initially she just wanted to do timed intercourse and a progesterone level on cd21, but after I explained our hopes for the summer she agreed to do the scans. Well, today was my first follicle scan of this cycle. I'm currently cd12 and yet again there isn't much of anything there. The biggest one she saw was 11. The plan is to go back on Monday (cd15) for another scan and see if anything has matured. I plan to continue with the opk to see if I catch something and the timed intercourse. I want to give this month the best chance ever. I know everyone says that it will happen when God wants it to or when the time is right and that this isn't on my time schedule. I'm so tired of hearing all that crap! I look around and see everyone else getting exactly what they want when they want it and I get nothing but failure and heartache. I know that I would be a great mother and that my husband is going to be an amazing father, so why can't we have that opportunity. Our marriage is stronger than ever now and we are  in a great place financially to have a child. Yet, nothing happens. My body continues to fail me. I really thought this was going to be our month; to be fair I know that there is still a chance, but this is definitely not going the way I thought it would. I really thought that with the 100mg of Clomid I would produce more than one nice big follicle and here I am with barely one. Up until last time when I would come in for my cd12 scan I would have a follicle that was at least 14-16 and several smaller ones. Nope, not this time.
I've started reading a new book that an OB-Gyn doctor I work with gave me that talks about nutrition and fertility. I'm ready to completely change my diet from what I enjoy to what this book is suggesting which is mostly fish  and veggies to include lots of mushrooms. The problem is that I really don't like fish and hate mushrooms. That's how desperate I'm getting.
In other fabulous news I have developed a sun allergy. Can you believe it?!? I have gotten this horrible burning/itching rash the last two times I have spent much time outside. So yesterday I told my husband that I thought I was allergic to the sun. Just like anyone who is married to a person who can be a hypochondriac at times he blew me off. Yet to appease me he looked it up online and turns out I was right. It happens in approx 15% of the population and occurs when your skin is exposed to sudden changes. My skin hasn't really been exposed to many hot sunny days since we moved to Alaska in December 2010. Gosh that sounds like soo long ago!! I think that I'm going to try repeat exposure to sun and see if I can overcome it. From what we read the horrible rash/reactions will go away most of the time once you "harden" your skin, which simply means continue going out in the sun. I don't know if it's the lack of hot sun or the fertility meds that have caused this, but I will not let it keep me from enjoying my short summer!

6 months & 20 lbs...

Six months of infertility treatments & 20 lbs later we still are no where closer to expanding our family. I'm finally on cd1 today. Due to not ovulating last cycle my cycle was 52 days long which is a new record for me. After much discussion and soul searching we have decided that this will be our last cycle of treatments for the summer. We decided that we will not do any treatments during the summer. Summer in Alaska is an amazing experience and we didn't want to have to plan our summer around my cycle. We just wanted to get out and have fun. I'm hopeful that this cycle will work and we won't have to worry about it anymore. My doctor has doubled my Clomid dose and honestly I'm scared of the side effects, buy if it results in a pregnancy, then it will all be worth it.

In other news our roommates have moved out! It is so nice to have our house to ourselves again! I love not having to worry about what I'm wearing or not wearing when I come downstairs and having access to the basement and washer/dryer whenever I want. It was also really nice to have complete alone time with my amazing husband.

Living Healthier

At the beginning of March, I started having green smoothies every morning for breakfast. I ended up having the smoothies every morning for 2 weeks and I felt amazing. I felt healthy, had no bloating, and no headaches. Unfortunately I get headaches frequently and they tend to be pretty bad. Due to pure laziness I stopped making my green smoothies 2 weeks ago. Boy have I noticed a difference in my health. I have had many more headaches, been much more bloated and just over all felt more run down. This last week has been especially bad. We have just been eating whatever, not really paying attention to the health value of anything. In fact we have been eating out more than cooking at home. I have felt horrible this last week! Suddenly Saturday evening, after being in bed all day, I realized that maybe I was feeling bad because I wasn't eating right. I told Reed that I was going to start doing the smoothies for breakfast again and try to make a salad every night to take with me for lunch at work. How crazy is it that something as simple as a smoothie can make such a difference?

Day 35 and counting...

Today is cd35 and still nothing...not even a hint that af will arrive anytime soon. So like a good little girl I called and let my doctor know that I hadn't started like they told me to. I know my body and can normally have a cycle as long 40-44 days, so I'm not concerned. Alas, I did was instructed and they seemed irritated that I didn't take a hpt. Are you serious?!? I know that I'm not pregnant...I don't get pregnant, at least not so far. So now I have to take at least 1 pregnancy test to tell me what I already know. Then the nurse told me that they would like for me to take a test at home and then if they do something to start my cycle then I will have to have one done at the hospital as well. Ugh...seriously! On top of that loveliness it's May 2 and snowing. The last 2 years by this time I was wearing a very light fleece jacket to work in the mornings, opening the windows in the house and wearing sandals. Now I have a mid weight jacket on, no sandals, snow on the ground (approx 3 ft in my backyard still) and more snow falling daily! What gives?!? I've heard of global warming effecting other parts of the country, but it missed Alaska. They are predicting snow again tomorrow and Saturday. I'm really really hoping that after that we are done with snow until October.

The ailments don't stop with infertility right now. I'm having horrible back pain today. I've had chronic lower back pain for years now, but typically once I go to sleep at night it's gone when I wake up. That isn't the case today unfortunately. After doing some work on the floor for approx 30 minutes I had bad back pain. I tried to relax some before I went to bed without success and finally went to sleep for the night. When I woke up this morning not only was the pain not gone but it was just as bad as when I went to sleep. When I got to work I called to schedule an appt as soon as I got a chance. Thankfully they were able to get me in today because they have late clinic hours on Thursday! I just had to endure through the day at work.

Infertility Awareness Week

Depression, anger, heart break, pain....those are the words that first come to my mind when I think about infertility. When I first heard about infertility and infertility treatments in nursing school I always pictured it involving/effecting women ages 35 and older. I never even thought about it effecting young women. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I've been off birth control for 3 years. We've been trying for a full calendar year currently and a cumulative total of 2 years. We had to take breaking during our TTC journey because of his training and deployement schedule.

I would never wish infertility upon anyone. It is such a painful process to go through. It has been very eye opening for me. It definitely makes you look at life differently. It makes you examine your views on conception & modern technology. While I have learned so much since starting our fertility treatments 6 months ago I really hope that our infertility journey will come to an end soon.

Will it ever happen?

So I know that I'm being over dramatic, but that's how I feel right now. This cycle really has me down this month. I don't know if it's just a reflection of the stresses at home with the compulsive liar who is a total ass or what. The other this is this cycle isn't going like my "normal Clomid" cycle. Typically I go in on cd12 and have a fairly decent size follicle, go back on cd 14 and it's almost ready, trigger on cd 15 and then do the iui on cd16. However, this month I went in on cd12 and barely had one that was dominant, back on cd14 and it was a little bigger, now I'm going back on cd17 and hopefully trigger that day and have the iui on Monday. I'm so scared that we are going to miss it again this cycle. I a few months back that I still wanted to try this year, but I didn't really want to have a baby in 2013 because I don't like the number 13, guess I should be careful what I wish for. I really really hope and pray that 2014 will bring us a baby. One of my favorite numbers is 14, so maybe that's what my body was waiting on. I'm still trying really hard to be optimistic about this cycle, but I don't have much optimism with anything right now.

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I typed this all up the other day and I guess forgot to hit the publish button, so before I do that today here is an update. My body quit responding to the clomid this month. My follicle hasn't really grown at all this cycle. I'm going in for a progesterone level on Thursday and then just waiting to finally start. She then is going to do an "early scan" to see if I'm starting with a larger follicle and the clomid isn't working. After that we'll come up with a new plan I guess. I'm so disheartened right now. I just sat in my car and cried after my appointment. To make matters worse because of my husbands stupid leadership at work he was the only qualified driver to take the guys out to the range so he couldn't be there for support today! I hate having to go through this alone because of his stupid work schedule! Anyways, I'm also working on setting up a short phone conference with an RE down in Oregon to see what his opinion is regarding our labs and treatments and see if he thinks that there is something that is being looked over. I'm really hoping that we have success sooner rather than later, but I know many women who struggle for many years (7+) before finally getting pregnant.

Compulsive Lying and more

Right now my husband and I have a guy from his company at work and his new wife staying with us. The plan was for them to stay just until they got other housing squared away either on post (like they want) or off. He moved in almost a month ago and she got here just a couple of days later. I have never really been a huge fan of him, there's always been something about him that "rubbed me the wrong way." After him living here for 2 weeks my husband came to me and said that he thought that he was a compulsive liar. He got online and showed me the articles that he had been reading and I agreed. Well, turns out that his lying had finally started to catch up to him at work and since my husband works with him it spilled over into our home life. After sitting down and talking to his new wife, who knew nothing about all the lies, we all three decided that the best thing to do would be to confront him about it. So we did, and all we got from that were more lies. Last Saturday we tired to help them do a budget because neither one had ever really done a budget and to set up a menu to help save money at the grocery store. While she was very receptive to everything and really wanted to work to save their marriage and fix their finances he was a complete and total jerk. My husband and I even went as far as to buy all their groceries for the week for them! He couldn't bring himself to even be polite then! When we got home from that horrible experience, I told my husband that I couldn't do it anymore; as soon as their "rent" was up they had to go! I have never in my life been treated so horribly! He will stand there and tell us how horrible we are because we drive "older" cars/refuse to buy a brand new car, try to save money like crazy and other things! I can't take it. Yes, we eat really healthy. Yes, we are cheap. Yes, we're simple, but we're happy, love each other and have an amazing relationship. Up until about a week ago I had never heard of compulsive/pathological liars. These people lie constantly and can't stop themselves. Not much information is done available on it, but what's there is totally shocking! The next 10 days or so can't go by quick enough. I can't wait to have our house back to just the two of us! As far as I am aware they have not squared away a place to stay at all and while I feel bad for her I couldn't care less over all. If you treat people like shit you deserve shit!

As far as our ongoing infertility battle goes we are hoping to have our third IUI this week, most likely on Saturday. When I went in for my follicle scan she didn't seem to find a really good follicle this time. She was able to determine a "dominate side" so hopefully something will have grown to a nice plump size for my scan tomorrow. I've decided that if it doesn't work this month then I'm going to ask my doctor for a referral for a second opinion. I know that this kind of thing doesn't happen right away, but she told us that our chances of success start going down after 3 iui's, and I just will feel better I think if I can get a second opinion from a different doctor and hopefully not one employed by the United States Army or government. I've started looking into different fertility clinics in Washington state to see what their success rates and such are. Does anyone have any suggestions for a good fertility doctor there? Hopefully it won't come to that. Ideally the 3rd time will be a charm for us and we'll have a baby in January for our 5th anniversary, but me being me I want to have a back up plan just in case.

Has this week been hard for anyone else? This has been a horrible week for us in the Ward house. My poor husband has spent most of the last 3 days out in the field doing some random training. As if training wasn't bad enough it has been really cold and snowing. I think that we have had approx 3 inches or so since Sunday. Today we finally started to see sunshine again, but it's been really windy, which in turn means really cold. My poor dear husband is so exhausted from his erratic sleep schedule and sore from the equipment he is having to carry. Hopefully tonight will be his last night in the field this week. I on the other hand have been really depressed about our infertility situation. A friend of mine had her baby last week and I really honestly thought that I would be pregnant when she had her baby. I feel like it is impossible for me to get pregnant. I have never had the joy/fear of peeing on a stick and seeing 2 pink lines. I honestly feel like it will never happen for me. In fact tonight I was watching CBS Evening News (at least that's what I think it was) and they were discussing surrogacy in India. I actually found myself considering that option! When I realized where my thoughts were going I was totally shocked!

Enough of the depressing thoughts...here's to hoping that the third times our time!

Optimistic

Well IUI #2 was another failure. I have a peace about it because I knew from the day after that it probably wasn't our time. It was just too odd that we both got so sick the day after. As of right now I have a faith that this will happen for us. One day we will have a child, just not in 2013. I'm ok with that because I don't like the number 13 and 14 has my favorite number in it, so hopefully that'll be our year for a child.

On other topics, we've finally had break up! The snow and ice are finally melting and the roads are getting dry! This is my favorite part of the year because the sun is out the weather gets really nice and the snow melts away. It won't be too long now and I'll be spending my evenings after work and all weekends out in the garden! I so cannot wait for that time!

A Day Full of Disappointment

Today started off horrible. It turns out last night I forgot to turn my alarms back on and ended up waking up 15 min before I had to be at work. Fabulous! Then I looked in the mirror and looked like freaking Medusa with my hair going all different directions and realized I must shower...there's no skipping that this morning. Finally I arrive at work, a mere 33 minutes late. I also decided to do a pregnancy test this morning. Surprise, surprise it was negative. Shocking I know. That being said I'm currently only 11dpiui so it could still be too early. I have read several stories of women who tested negative up until day 14 or so, but it's still disappointing. Then as if that isn't all bad enough today I get a call from my husband telling me about his doctors appointment. To say that was a huge let down is like saying Mount Everest is a small hill. He said that the doctor couldn't explain what was causing his pain, and that it is actually quite common in men. Then she said that based on his second SA results she doesn't understand why we can't conceive. She said that as long as the volume was over 1ml (his was 1.2 ml) then there shouldn't be a problem. They did finally do the testosterone check that we have wanted since he got home from deployment last April, but said that it wouldn't be an accurate number because it was drawn in the late morning and it's supposed to be drawn first thing in the morning. Ugh! He said that are somethings that she ordered for him to do once he got back up here, but said that overall it was a total waste of every one's time and money for him to go down there. I had so much hope put into this appointment! I'm hoping that if his testosterone does end up coming back abnormal that they will treat it or have him go into the lab up here and have it redrawn and not just say that it's off because of the time that it was drawn and blow it off. I think what frustrates me the most is that everyone seems to be blowing off the fact that he did have lots of trauma to his genital area in the IED and that could have lasting effects. He said that he tried to tell her that several times, but she just seemed to brush it aside, which is exactly what my doctor did when I told her.

The good news is that I had a great conversation time with our temporary roommate tonight and that my husband is coming home tomorrow. Despite the fact that he drives me absolutely nuts frequently I miss him like crazy when he is gone. I love having the ability to really stretch out in our bed, but totally miss cuddling with him. I can't wait to come home from work tomorrow and see him! Plus the two of us and our temporary roommate are headed out to the hockey game tomorrow night, which is sure to be lots of fun and excitement.

Longest 2 weeks ever

I'm over halfway done with the awful 2ww. Currently I'm 9dpiui, and try as I may I can't stop thinking about it. Did it work? Are the symptoms I'm having now related to pregnancy or just the lovely pms? I can't express how hard it is for me to not take a hpt, but I told myself I would wait until day 14. I have found so much "distraction" and encouragement from reading other fertility blogs and the fertility forums. I find such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. I read this today on a blog and decided I couldn't have put it better if I tried.

 "When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life. And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse. My heart aches more with every single day that passes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman. I see depression. I see weakness. In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness. I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner. And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers."
 

I have tried to describe to my husband multiple times how I feel about everything. He hates that I get so upset and so has decided that he doesn't really want to get too optimistic about anything because he doesn't want me to be more upset when it doesn't work yet again. I've tried to explain that no matter what attitude we take about it at the beginning of the cycle I will feel the same let down and depression at the end of the cycle.

Anyways, moving on. Hubby leaves tomorrow morning for his appt with urology. I'm so anxious, scared, and excited about this. I'm not naive enough to think that we will get all the answers and have a plan when he arrives back home on Friday, but at least we will have a start. I'm hopeful that they will finally do blood work to check his hormone levels and have an appropriate examination (the first one since the IED accident). He is actually quite anxious about it, which despite all the crap I've been giving him about it, I don't blame him at all. I would probably be just as anxious, in fact I probably am. My biggest fear is that they will do tests that come back saying that our only option is IVF with ICSI. All that is fancy lettering that means having to have an intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection; a type of in vitro fertilization when the sperm is directly injected into the egg cell. This would happen if he has a lot of anti-sperm antibodies due to the trauma from the IED. If that is the case that would mean lots of money out of pocket for us, having to go to Washington and take lots of time off work, and having to go on the wait list for up to a year. What's so frustrating is that I feel like all of that should be covered if that does end up being what we have to do because this was caused by a groin injury sustained while deployed as an active duty service member. There was a bill that was put before Congress two years ago that would have helped people in that situation, but it died and never even left the Senate. That's another rant for another time though.

I'm trying really hard to remain cautiously optimistic about our IUI working though. I've got my fingers crossed that this weekend will bring us good new both about the outcome of his appt and about the IUI!

Bittersweet

I now have a new nephew. He was born last night and I find it very bittersweet. My husband's older brother and his wife are the lucky ones. I'm so very happy for them. They already have a daughter who is 10 I believe. They tried for years to have her and then for years to have another one experiencing cancer and many miscarriages along the way. My sister-in-law and I had a lovely conversation about children and infertility last summer just a couple of months before she got pregnant. Despite the many years of infertility struggles she told me that they never felt like seeing a fertility doctor was for them. She seemed so at peace about it all, I totally envy that. She kept saying that she knew that if they were meant to have children then God would give them children. I wish I had that strong of faith. Unfortunately, I don't. She is totally an inspiration to me. I hope that one day I have the patience and faith of her.

Little update on our infertility journey. Today I'm 6dpiui. If everything worked out our little bean could be finding it's way to my lining and settling in for 9 months. I'm very nauseated today, have a horrible metallic type taste in my mouth, my boobs have really started to hurt and I'm exhausted. I know that it's really too early for symptoms, but I can't help it. Anyone who has ever been through the tortuous 2ww will understand. I know that the majority of my symptoms today can be attributed to the fact that both my husband and I are still sick. I'm opting to be optimistic today.

Today we had a totally Alaskan experience. The community center for post had a "Mush Madness." Mushing is the same thing as dog sledding. It's hugely popular up here. In Fairbanks, we have one race that alternates starting and finishing  here called the Yukon Quest. I'm very fascinated by dog mushing. Those dogs are all so smart and strong and the relationship that the musher has with each dog is amazing!

Feeling Discouraged

I'm 5dpiui today and not feeling as optimistic as when we were done on Sunday. Sunday afternoon we were both so darn optimistic that this was going to be our month. His "donation" was much larger than before and everything seemed to go so smoothly. Then Monday hit us. I was so crazy sick! Although the severity of the sickness has subsided I still feel very nauseated all the time. I can't eat anything with any real flavor because it makes me more nauseated. Ugh! I don't know if the almost constant nausea, the weather, history or a combination of all the above is what's causing the mood change or what. I love sunshine! It makes me so happy! That's my biggest challenge with living in Alaska. The super short days in the winter. We are back to having long days now, but the last two days it's been really overcast, we even had snow yesterday.

I wish that I could just fast forward 1 week. Then my husband would be home from his appt in Washington and we find out if it worked this month. The hormones from the HCG trigger shot on Satruday have definitely made me have crazy dreams, unfortunately all of them involve pregnancy or newborns. Some of them are crazy, yet happy and I hate waking up in the morning knowing that wasn't real and some are just plain out in left field crazy. I figure I'll know when the shot is out of my system because my dreams will go back to normal.

I was talking to my husband about this all last night. I was telling him that I feel so alone. There is no one that I know that understands what I'm going through. They don't get the pain/frustration/disappointment every month when AF arrives despite everything that you tried. A friend of mine told me how horrible it was when it didn't work for her the first month they tried and then didn't understand why I couldn't celebrate when it happened so easily for her next month. I just don't understand why I can't be a mom. I had three dreams in life. One was to be a nurse, which I accomplished with a lot of hard work and family support. The second was to be a wife and I got married Jan 3, 2009, to a man who truly loves me and get's me. Finally the third was to be a mom. I had no clue how hard this would be. I keep asking myself, what have I done wrong to not be able to be a mom, or how is it that people who are unfit parents have tons of kids. It really starts to wear on me! Plus I hate that the passion in our life is gone. Now our "intimacy" tends to run on a schedule. We have to force it on certain days of my cycle for optimal fertility chances and our best chance of conception happens in a doctors office! Why can't I just get it on with the man I love and have a child 9 months later like everyone else?

Sorry about the overall little pity party today. I wasn't kidding when I said that I was down today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and this will be our month!

A bit of a change

Initally we planned for our blog to be a way to keep our family up to date with everything going in our crazy adventure called life while we live in Alaska and where ever else the Army sends us. However, we quickly discovered that one: our life is boring and two: we have other means to keeping in touch with our families. However, I have decided to take this over as more of an outlet for my thoughts. I'm an open person and don't hesitate to share what's going on with others. Here's a hopefully short summary of what's weighing on my mind lately.

Right before he left for basic training in April 2010, we decided that it was time for me to go off birth control. We had been married for 15 months, wanted to have children, and knew he was about to leave for at least 3 months. Well, during the inital 8 weeks of basic training we both discovered that we were ready to try to start out family. He ended up getting injured in basic and sent home for convalesant leave and we "worked" like crazy to start our family that month. Unfortunately that didn't work, and was just the start of our story. We were finally reunited in Alaska, of all places, and tried for another 4 months or so with no success. Then came the dreaded year long deployment to Afghanistan. Unfortunately the deployement was no uneventful. He was involved in an IED accident. Thank the Lord he wasn't harmed really badly, but did injure his knee and groin. He's now been home for almost a year and still no children for us. We finally got a referred for infertility testing back in October. Finally I thought...we'll get some answers. Boy was I wrong! All we really found out was that I'm normal/healthy and he has low count, but my dr won't do anything for him and can't refer him until he has 2 SA's done and they can only be done every 3 months! So began the journey that has taught me that I have no patience! We did our first round of treatments in December 2012. I took clomid and then had to cancel the IUI for that month because I ovulated on my own. Then in January I took clomid again and ended up getting to have the IUI done. Unfortunately, due to stress and anxiety on him we had a horrible sample, which ended up also being a blessing. It showed my dr how big our problem was and got the repeat SA done. During the 3 months waiting for that I put him on all kinds of vitamins and supplements. His count did come up significantly, but was still low so he is finally getting referred to a doctor to examine everything. I'm so happy about that because no one had done any real exam on that since the IED! He leaves next week for that fun adventure. I'm super jealous about that though because he gets to go down to Washington!! So jealous of that! We had our second IUI done on Sunday and I'm going crazy waiting. I wish there was a way to find out sooner than 14 days if it worked or not.

So that didn't turn out to be a short summary really, but oh well. I never thought about infertility, especially being so young. I always thought that it only occured with older women. I have struggled a lot with our infertiility wondering why it was happening to us, if I was supposed to be a mom at all, am I just supposed to adopt children...and many many more questions. I am being forced to learn to be patient, and have really developed a new love and respect for my husband. This whole experience has definitely put a strain on our marriage at times, espeically while I'm taking Clomid, but he has stood by me and supported me the entire time. I could not have asked for a better partner to go through life with!