Another couple of setbacks

My follow up with my doctor after the HSG & pelvic ultrasound was supposed to be this coming Thursday. Our plan was to discuss the test results and get everything ready for Femara & IUI with the next cycle. However, Friday afternoon I got a call from her office saying that she had to go on emergency leave and I would have to be rescheduled to her next available appointment was October 23. I sat at my desk and cried because this means that most likely we won't get to do any treatments for the first 2 cycles after our HSG which are supposed to be the 2 most fertile. Then to make matters worse my husband has to go out to the field all week this week which means that he will probably be gone when I ovulate, if I ovulate on my own. Seriously?!? Can't a girl catch a break?

Now onto a problem. I've been doing opk's twice a day (at lunch and after work) since Thursday. I never got a positive result and now the lines seem to be getting lighter. I forgot to test at lunch, but when I came home there was no second line at all. I thought that maybe it was because I had too much water today and my urine was too diluted, so I refrained from drinking much tonight and tested again. This time I can't tell if there is a line there at all or if my eyes are seeing things. If there is one it is incredibly light. Has this happened to anyone else? Can anyone help me out with what is going on?

Rantings of a bitter infertile

I moved out of ob/gyn to work in a surgery clinic because I couldn't handle constantly hearing about babies and pregnancies! I loved working in women's health and I find it a very interesting aspect of nursing, but since I'm infertile I can't handle it mentally and emotionally. However, in my first couple of days in general surgery one of the receptionist joked that she was infertile because she doesn't like kids. She isn't infertile...she's on birth control to prevent having children. That is completely different! Then today I'm sitting at my desk researching ways to further my education & career since my surgeon was in surgery and my co-worker who shares a space with me, but works in a different department is going off with one of the other ladies that works in her department about pregnancies and how her son's girlfriend is pregnant. I couldn't take it, I had to walk away. I'm very open with my co-workers and they all know that I'm infertile and going through various treatments/tortures to try to have children. Typically they are understanding and try not to have "those" conversations around me because they it's something that I struggle greatly with. However this particular co-worker believe the myth that if you stop trying or stop thinking about it, it will happen. It took a lot of restraint on my part to keep from slapping her when she said that.

All clear

Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound and HSG. Those were a blast...just kidding! The pelvic ultrasound wasn't too bad, up until she had to look at my kidneys. Who knew that kidneys were involved in pelvic ultrasounds?!? That's when it got uncomfortable, having to look up under my ribs. Not only was it not fun, but it brought back the horror of my first echo where they found the hole in my heart. Thankfully though, no holes were found in the kidneys! The ultrasound tech told me that my ultrasound looked normal as far as she could tell, but we have to wait until next Thursday to get the official word from my doctor. Speaking of the tech she was not my favorite person. She confirmed with me on the way back to the room that I was not pregnant and had never been pregnant. Then while explaining the HSG she repeated that information no less than 4 times. I wanted to say, "I get it, I'm not currently nor have I ever been pregnant," but I just kept my mouth shut. She also explained things in very "dumbed down" term, it was almost insulting. I'm a smart women who happens to be a nurse and also researches everything like crazy. Although I understand why she explained everything like that I couldn't help but be slightly offended. Prior to the HSG I had to have a pregnancy test. Yes I understand the reasoning for it, but still sucks to see the stark white negative. As I looked down at the negative test I found myself wondering what it would feel like to see two pink lines. Hopefully one day I will know what that feels like. Next came the HSG. Unfortunately they wouldn't let my husband come in the room with me so it was just me, the tech and the doctor. That was a pretty miserable experience. After digging to what felt like China down there he decided to use a bigger speculum and then resumed digging only to "take a break" a little while later. Then he resumed and said that he was having problems because my cervix was angled down. Hmm...never heard that before, maybe that could be part of our problems. Finally he was able to get the catheter into my cervix. Next came the dye, talk about pain! Luckily the dye went through both tubes. It took longer on the right side, but eventually it went though. Once everything was removed the initial cramping and pain was over. My husband greeted me in the lobby with a grateful hug when I told him everything looked ok and then I went to work thinking the pain was over. Boy was I wrong! About 3 hours later I was hit suddenly with severe pain in my entire abdomen. It was like I was full of gas, but there was no gas. I tried everything I could think of to make it go away and nothing worked. Finally, thanks to benadryl, I was able to go to sleep. Today I still have the pain, but not as bad as last night. It still hurts when I go from sitting to standing and just aches all the time. I really wish that my doctor had warned me about the pain afterwards and that the ultrasound tech, in all her explaining, had told me that might happen. Although I admittedly tuned out when she kept repeating my pregnancy history, or lack there of, I don't recall hearing anything about the pain. Maybe an take home handout would be a good idea? I start doing my opk's on Thursday and hopefully will ovulate on my own this month. Then next week we'll review everything and set up a plan for next cycle, although I'm secretly hoping that by having my tubes cleaned out it'll happen for us this month.

Snow...

Snow has officially arrived in Alaska. Go ahead and double check your calendar...yes it's only September 18th! I get that I live in Alaska and that snow is expected, but this is just too darn soon. This is the start of my third winter in Fairbanks, but we typically don't get snow until September 30th and even then it doesn't stick until mid-Octoberish (yes, Octoverish is now a word). While it isn't technically sticking to the streets and sidewalks, it is sticking to our grass at this point. It's supposed to "warm" up to the lower 40's today which will melt the snow in theory, but we'll see. We didn't make it out of the 30's yesterday. My little furbaby has never really experienced snow I don't think. While he was born in early February and we had snow until May, I don't know how much he was out in it because we didn't get him until June. So I'm considering this his first snow. Unfortunately I was not feeling well this morning so I didn't get to take him out in it and see what he thought. My husband let him out earlier, but didn't say anything about how Jacks handled the snow. I'm still trying to be optimistic that the snow will not still and accumulate, but seeing as how it has been snowing for approximately the last 5 hours and shows no sign up letting up. Time to fire up the crock pot, dig out the hot chocolate, turn on the heats, stock up on movies & xbox games, and bring on the blankets...winter is here.

Only 4 more

This round of Provera has been so much worse than the other one, or I just forgot how bad it was. All weekend I would just randomly breakdown crying hysterically over nothing. I also felt on edge the whole time like I was about to blow up over something as small as a broken nail. As of today I have 4 pills left to take. I hate being an infertile woman so much! Today I'm just angry. Angry that I have to take medication to have a period, angry that I have to do all the crap to my body just to have a child. Why can I not just be "normal"? What am I supposed to learn from this? Was it not enough that I had to have heart surgery at 14?

My poor husband has been super supportive this time. When we first started our treatments he was always getting frustrated with me and rolling his eyes when I got emotional. However, this time he's been great. He just holds me and lets me cry. He doesn't roll his eyes when I get mad (at least not that I can see) and he doesn't get too upset! We had a great talk on night after I started my Provera and have decided that if the next 3 cycles with Femara don't work then we will pursue adoption. I'm not mentally ready for IVF. Hats off to you ladies that go through IVF, it just seems too overwhelming to me. I'm going to try my best to hold onto hope that Femara will be our golden ticket and that next year we will welcome our first child into this world, but I'm struggling to hold onto that hope.I'm anxious to have the HSG and pelvic ultrasound done though. I really want answers as to why I have stopped ovulating on my own!

Round 2

Today I started my second round of Provera. I'm not thrilled! Last time I was on Provera I hated it and I don't have high hopes for this time.  Today is cd79, so I knew it was inevitable that I would take the medication, but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it. They called to schedule my HSG yesterday and pelvic u/s today, but told me that they want me on cd7, so I couldn't get that scheduled. I guess I'll be calling them in 10-12 days. I'm having some anxiety about my cycles though. Since we aren't going to do anything until after the HSG & pelvic u/s results come back I won't be on any medication for my next cycle and I'm worried that I won't ovulate again. This used to never be a fear for me, but now it is a very real one. I'm planning on taking Vitex once I finally start my cycle and know that is supposed to help, so we'll see. I'm getting pretty desperate. I'm really hoping that the 3 cycles after the HSG are successful for us and we will have a baby next year.

On to more exciting things...the surprise party for my dad was a total success! Although no one was really able to make it he was completely surprised! One of his best friends was able to make it and we had a lot of fun. During the meal they sat around telling stories making us laugh like crazy then we had a great time with the cake (my sister lit the candles with a blowtorch), and then watched a funny movie today. All in all it was a great night! I missed my two boys back home like crazy, but really enjoyed the time with my parents and especially my sister!

I met the new doctor that I'm working with yesterday. She seems really nice and I look forward to working with her. I'm nervous though because that's how the previous surgeon I worked for was at first and she turned out to be way off her rocker! I hope the same thing doesn't happen again. Being back in ob/gyn this week has been bittersweet! I absolutely love the people I work with down there, but mentally/emotionally I can't handle working around all the pregnant women. If only I could get pregnant! There is a new position that just opened up in that department and if I could get pregnant or didn't want any kids of my own yet, I would be begging to stay there, but that just isn't the case. Oh well, here's to lots of changes and hop fully some good luck!!