All clear

Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound and HSG. Those were a blast...just kidding! The pelvic ultrasound wasn't too bad, up until she had to look at my kidneys. Who knew that kidneys were involved in pelvic ultrasounds?!? That's when it got uncomfortable, having to look up under my ribs. Not only was it not fun, but it brought back the horror of my first echo where they found the hole in my heart. Thankfully though, no holes were found in the kidneys! The ultrasound tech told me that my ultrasound looked normal as far as she could tell, but we have to wait until next Thursday to get the official word from my doctor. Speaking of the tech she was not my favorite person. She confirmed with me on the way back to the room that I was not pregnant and had never been pregnant. Then while explaining the HSG she repeated that information no less than 4 times. I wanted to say, "I get it, I'm not currently nor have I ever been pregnant," but I just kept my mouth shut. She also explained things in very "dumbed down" term, it was almost insulting. I'm a smart women who happens to be a nurse and also researches everything like crazy. Although I understand why she explained everything like that I couldn't help but be slightly offended. Prior to the HSG I had to have a pregnancy test. Yes I understand the reasoning for it, but still sucks to see the stark white negative. As I looked down at the negative test I found myself wondering what it would feel like to see two pink lines. Hopefully one day I will know what that feels like. Next came the HSG. Unfortunately they wouldn't let my husband come in the room with me so it was just me, the tech and the doctor. That was a pretty miserable experience. After digging to what felt like China down there he decided to use a bigger speculum and then resumed digging only to "take a break" a little while later. Then he resumed and said that he was having problems because my cervix was angled down. Hmm...never heard that before, maybe that could be part of our problems. Finally he was able to get the catheter into my cervix. Next came the dye, talk about pain! Luckily the dye went through both tubes. It took longer on the right side, but eventually it went though. Once everything was removed the initial cramping and pain was over. My husband greeted me in the lobby with a grateful hug when I told him everything looked ok and then I went to work thinking the pain was over. Boy was I wrong! About 3 hours later I was hit suddenly with severe pain in my entire abdomen. It was like I was full of gas, but there was no gas. I tried everything I could think of to make it go away and nothing worked. Finally, thanks to benadryl, I was able to go to sleep. Today I still have the pain, but not as bad as last night. It still hurts when I go from sitting to standing and just aches all the time. I really wish that my doctor had warned me about the pain afterwards and that the ultrasound tech, in all her explaining, had told me that might happen. Although I admittedly tuned out when she kept repeating my pregnancy history, or lack there of, I don't recall hearing anything about the pain. Maybe an take home handout would be a good idea? I start doing my opk's on Thursday and hopefully will ovulate on my own this month. Then next week we'll review everything and set up a plan for next cycle, although I'm secretly hoping that by having my tubes cleaned out it'll happen for us this month.

Snow...

Snow has officially arrived in Alaska. Go ahead and double check your calendar...yes it's only September 18th! I get that I live in Alaska and that snow is expected, but this is just too darn soon. This is the start of my third winter in Fairbanks, but we typically don't get snow until September 30th and even then it doesn't stick until mid-Octoberish (yes, Octoverish is now a word). While it isn't technically sticking to the streets and sidewalks, it is sticking to our grass at this point. It's supposed to "warm" up to the lower 40's today which will melt the snow in theory, but we'll see. We didn't make it out of the 30's yesterday. My little furbaby has never really experienced snow I don't think. While he was born in early February and we had snow until May, I don't know how much he was out in it because we didn't get him until June. So I'm considering this his first snow. Unfortunately I was not feeling well this morning so I didn't get to take him out in it and see what he thought. My husband let him out earlier, but didn't say anything about how Jacks handled the snow. I'm still trying to be optimistic that the snow will not still and accumulate, but seeing as how it has been snowing for approximately the last 5 hours and shows no sign up letting up. Time to fire up the crock pot, dig out the hot chocolate, turn on the heats, stock up on movies & xbox games, and bring on the blankets...winter is here.

Only 4 more

This round of Provera has been so much worse than the other one, or I just forgot how bad it was. All weekend I would just randomly breakdown crying hysterically over nothing. I also felt on edge the whole time like I was about to blow up over something as small as a broken nail. As of today I have 4 pills left to take. I hate being an infertile woman so much! Today I'm just angry. Angry that I have to take medication to have a period, angry that I have to do all the crap to my body just to have a child. Why can I not just be "normal"? What am I supposed to learn from this? Was it not enough that I had to have heart surgery at 14?

My poor husband has been super supportive this time. When we first started our treatments he was always getting frustrated with me and rolling his eyes when I got emotional. However, this time he's been great. He just holds me and lets me cry. He doesn't roll his eyes when I get mad (at least not that I can see) and he doesn't get too upset! We had a great talk on night after I started my Provera and have decided that if the next 3 cycles with Femara don't work then we will pursue adoption. I'm not mentally ready for IVF. Hats off to you ladies that go through IVF, it just seems too overwhelming to me. I'm going to try my best to hold onto hope that Femara will be our golden ticket and that next year we will welcome our first child into this world, but I'm struggling to hold onto that hope.I'm anxious to have the HSG and pelvic ultrasound done though. I really want answers as to why I have stopped ovulating on my own!

Round 2

Today I started my second round of Provera. I'm not thrilled! Last time I was on Provera I hated it and I don't have high hopes for this time.  Today is cd79, so I knew it was inevitable that I would take the medication, but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it. They called to schedule my HSG yesterday and pelvic u/s today, but told me that they want me on cd7, so I couldn't get that scheduled. I guess I'll be calling them in 10-12 days. I'm having some anxiety about my cycles though. Since we aren't going to do anything until after the HSG & pelvic u/s results come back I won't be on any medication for my next cycle and I'm worried that I won't ovulate again. This used to never be a fear for me, but now it is a very real one. I'm planning on taking Vitex once I finally start my cycle and know that is supposed to help, so we'll see. I'm getting pretty desperate. I'm really hoping that the 3 cycles after the HSG are successful for us and we will have a baby next year.

On to more exciting things...the surprise party for my dad was a total success! Although no one was really able to make it he was completely surprised! One of his best friends was able to make it and we had a lot of fun. During the meal they sat around telling stories making us laugh like crazy then we had a great time with the cake (my sister lit the candles with a blowtorch), and then watched a funny movie today. All in all it was a great night! I missed my two boys back home like crazy, but really enjoyed the time with my parents and especially my sister!

I met the new doctor that I'm working with yesterday. She seems really nice and I look forward to working with her. I'm nervous though because that's how the previous surgeon I worked for was at first and she turned out to be way off her rocker! I hope the same thing doesn't happen again. Being back in ob/gyn this week has been bittersweet! I absolutely love the people I work with down there, but mentally/emotionally I can't handle working around all the pregnant women. If only I could get pregnant! There is a new position that just opened up in that department and if I could get pregnant or didn't want any kids of my own yet, I would be begging to stay there, but that just isn't the case. Oh well, here's to lots of changes and hop fully some good luck!!

Surprise!!!

Next weekend my dad will be 60. So my sister and I decided to throw a surprise party for him. We decided to do it the weekend before his birthday because it's Labor Day weekend and we figured that more people would be able to make it since it was a holiday weekend. Well, that was a great thought, but it didn't really work out. As of right now there is only one other person aside from me that is coming from out of town, but I don't think he'll care. I booked my ticket to come back to Texas about a month ago and wasn't able to call home or talk to them at all so I wouldn't ruin the surprise. I flew in yesterday afternoon and my sister picked me up from the airport. She had arranged to meet out for dinner and the look on my dad's face was priceless! We definitely surprised him! He was totally shocked. My mom knew about the party and knew that I was coming in, but didn't know when, so we were still able to surprise her. I'm looking forward to the party tomorrow. We made an amazing cake for him and have all kinds of fun decorations planned. Getting him out of the house tomorrow has proved a bit challenging, but I think we finally got that squared away It's been so nice being back at my parents house and I'm having a blast being with my sister again. However, I miss my two boys back home like crazy! I've never been the one to leave, I'm used to  being the one left behind so this is odd for me. The best part about this whole trip is getting my mind off my infertility. Of course the stupid headaches are still going strong, so that totally sucks and infertility isn't completely gone, but it's not as prevalent in my mind as normal. I'm totally looking forward to our "party" tomorrow!!

New Doctor, Renewed Hope

So Reed and I met with the new doctor yesterday. I'm still in an OB-Gyn office, but she does fertility a lot. There are no RE's in the entire state of Alaska and Tricare won't pay for me to go to an RE if  that service is offered at my MTF (Military Treatment Facility).

After asking some fellow Army wives about my new doctor as well as my old doctor I found that my previous one struggles with infertility herself, and has almost a jealousy type thing going on. Are you kidding me?!? How can you treat infertility patients as well as OB patients as a doctor with this whole jealousy thing going on?!? I personally know how hard it is to work around OB patients while struggling with infertility. That's why I had to leave my department and go back to surgery. It's just so challenging to be happy for a new OB patient or a new mom coming in for all her OB checks and post-partum checks when I want so badly to be a mom and every effort I have tried has failed.

Anyways...my new doctor did come across as a bit abrasive. Many of the Army wives that I talked to said that my new doctor was horrible and they absolutely hated her. I can see that. She wasn't one to come in all smiles and make small talk with you, but when you  get down to it, I don't want small talk and chit chat I want to get pregnant. In fact she came in, sat down at the computer and asked me what my goal was from my appointment with her. That did shock me a bit, but I just told her "I want to get pregnant, and I don't feel like what I was doing was working, so I want a second opinion." I laid out everything that I hoped for, the tests I wanted, the medications I wanted to try, exactly what had happened with the previous medication and such. She said that she thinks that I most likely have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) despite my labs being normal. I told her that I thought all along that I either had PCOS or an estrogen dominance thing going on. She explained that PCOS is a triad type thing and that you have to have two of the three symptoms/conditions to get diagnosed. One is not ovulating, which I'm not, and the other one for me is acne. At 27 years old my skin still is breaking out like crazy. Like I have to use a particular face wash and make sure to wash my face twice a day and I still have problems. Ugh...my hope is that we can get the PCOS under control and my skin will clear up and I can get my weight under better control.

She made me do a pregnancy test while I was there yesterday since my last cycle started 6/18/13. I had this small fleeting hope that by some miracle it would come back positive, but like normal it was negative. While I understand the reason for doing a pregnancy test, I really wish that she wouldn't have made me do it. Hearing the negative again is heartbreaking. Is it ever going to be positive???

So for now the plan is to do a pelvic ultrasound to get a baseline, and HSG to make sure that my tubes are open and not kinked, if no AF by then Provera to get started and then Femara. At first she was going to make me do one more round of Clomid 100mg, but then changed her mind and is going to just start with Femara. She said that after 3 rounds of something the success rates fall. So we've done three rounds of timed intercourse with negatives and three rounds of Clomid IUI's with negatives, so now we'll try Femara. Hopefully we will only have to do one round and then we'll be good to go!

Still nothing

I've been so down about this whole infertility thing recently I haven't even felt like writing anything. I'm still really down. I just don't get it. Why can't I have a child? I'm starting to think that maybe I would be a good mother and that's why. It's so painful working in OB-Gyn and seeing all the pregnant women and our post-partum patients with their new, beautiful babies. We ha,.ve a patient who is going for a special abortion at 18 weeks down in Seattle. It makes me so angry! She was planning on aborting the baby very early in her pregnancy because it was making her really sick, but then that went away and the pregnancy "got easy" so she kept it. Now she's really sick again, think hyperemesis, and she is telling her family that it is either her life or the baby's and that's 100% false. Why do people like that get to be pregnant and I don't? I would take hyperemesis over infertility any day! My sister-in-law is a truly amazing woman, she had hyperemesis with both her pregnancies. She was on IV fluids and IV medications from 6 weeks until she delivered. That's what a true mother is!

I've been doing the acupuncture still. While I love it I think tomorrow is going to be my last session for a while. Unfortunately our insurance won't cover acupuncture I don't feel like we can realistically afford $130 every week. It's true that it relaxes me more than anything else I've ever done, but I've gotta be honest/realistic and realize that at this point it just it too much. We are wanting to save a lot in case I ever get pregnant so I will be able to stay home for a while with our baby.

I'm currently on cycle day 64 with no sign of af any time soon. I've taken several home pregnancy tests and all were negative and went for lab work recently and randomly did one that also came back negative. My acupuncturist and a naturopath doctor that she works with have done all kinds of things to start my cycle for the last month with nothing. I had irregular cycles before starting our infertility treatments back in December 2012, but nothing like this. Prior to now my cycles were typically between 33-36 days long with my longest cycle being 45 days. My ob-gyn that I have to see for infertility (I can't see an RE because our insurance won't pay for it and there isn't one at all in Alaska) immediately put me on Clomid 50mg despite the fact that I was ovulating on my own. Since being on the Clomid I feel like everything has been messed up. I have gained approx. 15-20 lbs since I started taking it, my mood/mental well being has taken a nose dive, my skin is breaking out like crazy and in the end I just told feel like myself anymore. Has anyone taken Clomid and felt this way then switched to a different medication and had success? I'm planning on doing research on different fertility medications like Clomid and asking if we can try one of those instead. Any advise would be much appreciated!

I'm so frustrated that we have been through 5 rounds of Clomid (4 with 50mg and 1 with 100mg), each time producing only one follicle, and 3 rounds of IUI with no success. I've never seen 2 pink lines. I feel like that is something that my doctor is missing, something that is causing our infertility that she is either blowing off or not looking into it. From our very first appointment with her last October I have asked if the trauma from my husband's IED accident could cause problems since he did have significant bruising and swelling in his groin as well as abrasions on his scrotum. I felt like she blew me off and belittled my feelings. I called the clinic a couple weeks ago and asked for a referral for a second opinion. Thanks to the "amazing" Army system I was told that they are not allowed to send me off post for something that they can do there. So they set me up with an appointment with an another provider. Reluctantly I agreed, but I'm still not very optimistic. I've heard from some other spouses on our base that she is very knowledgeable, but has a horrible bedside manner. Personally I don't care if she's friendly and chatting, I just want her to help me to get pregnant.