Infertility Awareness Week

Depression, anger, heart break, pain....those are the words that first come to my mind when I think about infertility. When I first heard about infertility and infertility treatments in nursing school I always pictured it involving/effecting women ages 35 and older. I never even thought about it effecting young women. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I've been off birth control for 3 years. We've been trying for a full calendar year currently and a cumulative total of 2 years. We had to take breaking during our TTC journey because of his training and deployement schedule.

I would never wish infertility upon anyone. It is such a painful process to go through. It has been very eye opening for me. It definitely makes you look at life differently. It makes you examine your views on conception & modern technology. While I have learned so much since starting our fertility treatments 6 months ago I really hope that our infertility journey will come to an end soon.

Will it ever happen?

So I know that I'm being over dramatic, but that's how I feel right now. This cycle really has me down this month. I don't know if it's just a reflection of the stresses at home with the compulsive liar who is a total ass or what. The other this is this cycle isn't going like my "normal Clomid" cycle. Typically I go in on cd12 and have a fairly decent size follicle, go back on cd 14 and it's almost ready, trigger on cd 15 and then do the iui on cd16. However, this month I went in on cd12 and barely had one that was dominant, back on cd14 and it was a little bigger, now I'm going back on cd17 and hopefully trigger that day and have the iui on Monday. I'm so scared that we are going to miss it again this cycle. I a few months back that I still wanted to try this year, but I didn't really want to have a baby in 2013 because I don't like the number 13, guess I should be careful what I wish for. I really really hope and pray that 2014 will bring us a baby. One of my favorite numbers is 14, so maybe that's what my body was waiting on. I'm still trying really hard to be optimistic about this cycle, but I don't have much optimism with anything right now.

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I typed this all up the other day and I guess forgot to hit the publish button, so before I do that today here is an update. My body quit responding to the clomid this month. My follicle hasn't really grown at all this cycle. I'm going in for a progesterone level on Thursday and then just waiting to finally start. She then is going to do an "early scan" to see if I'm starting with a larger follicle and the clomid isn't working. After that we'll come up with a new plan I guess. I'm so disheartened right now. I just sat in my car and cried after my appointment. To make matters worse because of my husbands stupid leadership at work he was the only qualified driver to take the guys out to the range so he couldn't be there for support today! I hate having to go through this alone because of his stupid work schedule! Anyways, I'm also working on setting up a short phone conference with an RE down in Oregon to see what his opinion is regarding our labs and treatments and see if he thinks that there is something that is being looked over. I'm really hoping that we have success sooner rather than later, but I know many women who struggle for many years (7+) before finally getting pregnant.

Compulsive Lying and more

Right now my husband and I have a guy from his company at work and his new wife staying with us. The plan was for them to stay just until they got other housing squared away either on post (like they want) or off. He moved in almost a month ago and she got here just a couple of days later. I have never really been a huge fan of him, there's always been something about him that "rubbed me the wrong way." After him living here for 2 weeks my husband came to me and said that he thought that he was a compulsive liar. He got online and showed me the articles that he had been reading and I agreed. Well, turns out that his lying had finally started to catch up to him at work and since my husband works with him it spilled over into our home life. After sitting down and talking to his new wife, who knew nothing about all the lies, we all three decided that the best thing to do would be to confront him about it. So we did, and all we got from that were more lies. Last Saturday we tired to help them do a budget because neither one had ever really done a budget and to set up a menu to help save money at the grocery store. While she was very receptive to everything and really wanted to work to save their marriage and fix their finances he was a complete and total jerk. My husband and I even went as far as to buy all their groceries for the week for them! He couldn't bring himself to even be polite then! When we got home from that horrible experience, I told my husband that I couldn't do it anymore; as soon as their "rent" was up they had to go! I have never in my life been treated so horribly! He will stand there and tell us how horrible we are because we drive "older" cars/refuse to buy a brand new car, try to save money like crazy and other things! I can't take it. Yes, we eat really healthy. Yes, we are cheap. Yes, we're simple, but we're happy, love each other and have an amazing relationship. Up until about a week ago I had never heard of compulsive/pathological liars. These people lie constantly and can't stop themselves. Not much information is done available on it, but what's there is totally shocking! The next 10 days or so can't go by quick enough. I can't wait to have our house back to just the two of us! As far as I am aware they have not squared away a place to stay at all and while I feel bad for her I couldn't care less over all. If you treat people like shit you deserve shit!

As far as our ongoing infertility battle goes we are hoping to have our third IUI this week, most likely on Saturday. When I went in for my follicle scan she didn't seem to find a really good follicle this time. She was able to determine a "dominate side" so hopefully something will have grown to a nice plump size for my scan tomorrow. I've decided that if it doesn't work this month then I'm going to ask my doctor for a referral for a second opinion. I know that this kind of thing doesn't happen right away, but she told us that our chances of success start going down after 3 iui's, and I just will feel better I think if I can get a second opinion from a different doctor and hopefully not one employed by the United States Army or government. I've started looking into different fertility clinics in Washington state to see what their success rates and such are. Does anyone have any suggestions for a good fertility doctor there? Hopefully it won't come to that. Ideally the 3rd time will be a charm for us and we'll have a baby in January for our 5th anniversary, but me being me I want to have a back up plan just in case.

Has this week been hard for anyone else? This has been a horrible week for us in the Ward house. My poor husband has spent most of the last 3 days out in the field doing some random training. As if training wasn't bad enough it has been really cold and snowing. I think that we have had approx 3 inches or so since Sunday. Today we finally started to see sunshine again, but it's been really windy, which in turn means really cold. My poor dear husband is so exhausted from his erratic sleep schedule and sore from the equipment he is having to carry. Hopefully tonight will be his last night in the field this week. I on the other hand have been really depressed about our infertility situation. A friend of mine had her baby last week and I really honestly thought that I would be pregnant when she had her baby. I feel like it is impossible for me to get pregnant. I have never had the joy/fear of peeing on a stick and seeing 2 pink lines. I honestly feel like it will never happen for me. In fact tonight I was watching CBS Evening News (at least that's what I think it was) and they were discussing surrogacy in India. I actually found myself considering that option! When I realized where my thoughts were going I was totally shocked!

Enough of the depressing thoughts...here's to hoping that the third times our time!

Optimistic

Well IUI #2 was another failure. I have a peace about it because I knew from the day after that it probably wasn't our time. It was just too odd that we both got so sick the day after. As of right now I have a faith that this will happen for us. One day we will have a child, just not in 2013. I'm ok with that because I don't like the number 13 and 14 has my favorite number in it, so hopefully that'll be our year for a child.

On other topics, we've finally had break up! The snow and ice are finally melting and the roads are getting dry! This is my favorite part of the year because the sun is out the weather gets really nice and the snow melts away. It won't be too long now and I'll be spending my evenings after work and all weekends out in the garden! I so cannot wait for that time!

A Day Full of Disappointment

Today started off horrible. It turns out last night I forgot to turn my alarms back on and ended up waking up 15 min before I had to be at work. Fabulous! Then I looked in the mirror and looked like freaking Medusa with my hair going all different directions and realized I must shower...there's no skipping that this morning. Finally I arrive at work, a mere 33 minutes late. I also decided to do a pregnancy test this morning. Surprise, surprise it was negative. Shocking I know. That being said I'm currently only 11dpiui so it could still be too early. I have read several stories of women who tested negative up until day 14 or so, but it's still disappointing. Then as if that isn't all bad enough today I get a call from my husband telling me about his doctors appointment. To say that was a huge let down is like saying Mount Everest is a small hill. He said that the doctor couldn't explain what was causing his pain, and that it is actually quite common in men. Then she said that based on his second SA results she doesn't understand why we can't conceive. She said that as long as the volume was over 1ml (his was 1.2 ml) then there shouldn't be a problem. They did finally do the testosterone check that we have wanted since he got home from deployment last April, but said that it wouldn't be an accurate number because it was drawn in the late morning and it's supposed to be drawn first thing in the morning. Ugh! He said that are somethings that she ordered for him to do once he got back up here, but said that overall it was a total waste of every one's time and money for him to go down there. I had so much hope put into this appointment! I'm hoping that if his testosterone does end up coming back abnormal that they will treat it or have him go into the lab up here and have it redrawn and not just say that it's off because of the time that it was drawn and blow it off. I think what frustrates me the most is that everyone seems to be blowing off the fact that he did have lots of trauma to his genital area in the IED and that could have lasting effects. He said that he tried to tell her that several times, but she just seemed to brush it aside, which is exactly what my doctor did when I told her.

The good news is that I had a great conversation time with our temporary roommate tonight and that my husband is coming home tomorrow. Despite the fact that he drives me absolutely nuts frequently I miss him like crazy when he is gone. I love having the ability to really stretch out in our bed, but totally miss cuddling with him. I can't wait to come home from work tomorrow and see him! Plus the two of us and our temporary roommate are headed out to the hockey game tomorrow night, which is sure to be lots of fun and excitement.

Longest 2 weeks ever

I'm over halfway done with the awful 2ww. Currently I'm 9dpiui, and try as I may I can't stop thinking about it. Did it work? Are the symptoms I'm having now related to pregnancy or just the lovely pms? I can't express how hard it is for me to not take a hpt, but I told myself I would wait until day 14. I have found so much "distraction" and encouragement from reading other fertility blogs and the fertility forums. I find such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. I read this today on a blog and decided I couldn't have put it better if I tried.

 "When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life. And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse. My heart aches more with every single day that passes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman. I see depression. I see weakness. In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness. I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner. And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers."
 

I have tried to describe to my husband multiple times how I feel about everything. He hates that I get so upset and so has decided that he doesn't really want to get too optimistic about anything because he doesn't want me to be more upset when it doesn't work yet again. I've tried to explain that no matter what attitude we take about it at the beginning of the cycle I will feel the same let down and depression at the end of the cycle.

Anyways, moving on. Hubby leaves tomorrow morning for his appt with urology. I'm so anxious, scared, and excited about this. I'm not naive enough to think that we will get all the answers and have a plan when he arrives back home on Friday, but at least we will have a start. I'm hopeful that they will finally do blood work to check his hormone levels and have an appropriate examination (the first one since the IED accident). He is actually quite anxious about it, which despite all the crap I've been giving him about it, I don't blame him at all. I would probably be just as anxious, in fact I probably am. My biggest fear is that they will do tests that come back saying that our only option is IVF with ICSI. All that is fancy lettering that means having to have an intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection; a type of in vitro fertilization when the sperm is directly injected into the egg cell. This would happen if he has a lot of anti-sperm antibodies due to the trauma from the IED. If that is the case that would mean lots of money out of pocket for us, having to go to Washington and take lots of time off work, and having to go on the wait list for up to a year. What's so frustrating is that I feel like all of that should be covered if that does end up being what we have to do because this was caused by a groin injury sustained while deployed as an active duty service member. There was a bill that was put before Congress two years ago that would have helped people in that situation, but it died and never even left the Senate. That's another rant for another time though.

I'm trying really hard to remain cautiously optimistic about our IUI working though. I've got my fingers crossed that this weekend will bring us good new both about the outcome of his appt and about the IUI!

Bittersweet

I now have a new nephew. He was born last night and I find it very bittersweet. My husband's older brother and his wife are the lucky ones. I'm so very happy for them. They already have a daughter who is 10 I believe. They tried for years to have her and then for years to have another one experiencing cancer and many miscarriages along the way. My sister-in-law and I had a lovely conversation about children and infertility last summer just a couple of months before she got pregnant. Despite the many years of infertility struggles she told me that they never felt like seeing a fertility doctor was for them. She seemed so at peace about it all, I totally envy that. She kept saying that she knew that if they were meant to have children then God would give them children. I wish I had that strong of faith. Unfortunately, I don't. She is totally an inspiration to me. I hope that one day I have the patience and faith of her.

Little update on our infertility journey. Today I'm 6dpiui. If everything worked out our little bean could be finding it's way to my lining and settling in for 9 months. I'm very nauseated today, have a horrible metallic type taste in my mouth, my boobs have really started to hurt and I'm exhausted. I know that it's really too early for symptoms, but I can't help it. Anyone who has ever been through the tortuous 2ww will understand. I know that the majority of my symptoms today can be attributed to the fact that both my husband and I are still sick. I'm opting to be optimistic today.

Today we had a totally Alaskan experience. The community center for post had a "Mush Madness." Mushing is the same thing as dog sledding. It's hugely popular up here. In Fairbanks, we have one race that alternates starting and finishing  here called the Yukon Quest. I'm very fascinated by dog mushing. Those dogs are all so smart and strong and the relationship that the musher has with each dog is amazing!