Really?!? Caution Long Vent Ahead!

I haven't been on here in several weeks due to many reasons. Anyways, I come back today and find out several of the blog I read have gotten pregnant. While I am extremely excited about that it also makes my angry and sad. On top of that my co-worked who did her first IUI with a non-medicated, monitored cycle got a faint BFP yesterday. Seriously?!? Why not me?!?!?! I'm so extremely depressed about this all right now. Literally everyone around me is pregnant. I can't escape it! I've been doing acupuncture and herbal supplements, and while I love them because I feel amazing, I don't know if it's working. I'm so discouraged right now and feel like having a biological child just isn't something that is going to happen for me.
Onto the next subject...my husband. I'm so frustrated with him and his job. I haven't really gotten to spend much quality time with him for the last 6 weeks. He spend 3-4 weeks doing intense training for his expert infantryman badge (which he was eliminated in the second to last day) then he got block leave and his friend came up for the entire two weeks with his son so my husband spent the majority of his time with them and I got to "tag along." Now he's back to work and the first day they tell him that he is going into the field for training for the next 2 nights. As if that isn't enough when he gets back he has intense training for the rest of the week and then has to do it all over again next week! What does a girl have to do to get quality time with her husband?!?!

Time to try something new

I've been away for a while, but unfortunately that isn't because I finally out my bfp. I've been quite busy with our new little fur baby. He is amazing! I can't imagine what we did without him!
Anyways, as I have said before we have decided to take a break from fertility treatments this summer. However, I decided that doesn't mean completely stop. I talked with Reed about it and he agreed that it was ok to try acupuncture and such. I had my first acupuncture appointment on Friday and loved it! I felt like she actually listened to me and cared about me as a person. While I know that my doctor is really good, I felt like she never really listened to me or cared about me as person. I always felt like I was just another patient to her. The acupuncturist told me that she would like to try 2 cycles and see if she could get my cycles regulated and then if I still wasn't pregnant she wanted to refer me to one of the naturopathic doctors there that specializes in the treatment of infertility. She gave me so much hope and that was amazing! I loved the whole appointment on Friday and left feeling so optimistic and positive that we will have a baby!

Coming to the end

I'm coming up on the end of my 2ww. I'm still trying to be optimistic, but right now doubt is getting the best of me. I'm starting to really feel like I'm just not meant to ever get pregnant. I have had some encouraging signs during these two weeks and it has been really hard not to read into them. For starters I woke up with strong cramping 7dpiui. I know that is when implantation happens so I'm hopeful that means good things are happening now. I've also felt very off since Tuesday. I've had strong waves of nausea, a bad headache and been so "spacey." I've also been very tired, but I know that's because of our new addition to the family, Jackson. (More about him in a bit) I can easily chalk all my "symptoms" to just being really tired. I took a hpt 10dpiui and got a stark white negative. Logically I know that it is far too early to tell, but it was still disappointing. Now I'm trying to decide if/when I should take the official test. Should I just wait for AF? I can't decide, but knowing me I'll probably test. I just want this so darn bad! Got off a bit there...other reasons I'm optimistic. DH said that the sample was the "biggest and best" so far. Then during the IUI she said that she saw ovulation mucous. I had absolutely no CM until after the cramping on day 7. While I had no spotting I still like to think of that as a good sign. Finally my day 21 progesterone came back at 12.16 which means I not only ovulated but I super ovulated. A result of 5 indicates ovulation and 10 is what they want for infertility treatments. All that being said, it's still really hard to stay optimistic just because it hasn't worked before.

On to more important and exciting news. DH finally agreed to get a dog!!! He said that he was just tired of me nagging him about it. No matter what made him finally decide to say yes, he loves our new little man. We really wanted to adopt a dog from the shelter, but unfortunately they are filled with pit and pit mixes which we are not allowed to have in base housing. I had done some research and decided that I really wanted a beagle so I started looking around and found a breeder close by who had two 16 week old beagles that were ready for a new home. We drove out there and came back with Jackson! The reason we chose Jackson as his name is because I had a very vivid dream the week before about having a dog named Jackson that was brown and white. Our Jackson is a tri-color beagle which looks exactly like the doggy in my dreams. Jackson is the perfect puppy! He is so well behaved and we have him potty trained in just under a week. He's so smart and playful, but does love his naps. So far he doesn't bark and only whines a little when we leave for work. He also doing great with leash training. I love him so much! We really couldn't have gotten a better puppy for our family.

Fake it till you make it

While I still remain fairly optimistic that this is our month, I'm starting to drive myself nuts. My mind is constantly going to thoughts of my uterus. I keep wondering what is going on down there. Is our child forming and growing? This two week wait sucks! I wish I could just fast forward these two weeks, either that or take them off work. Today I'm angry at all my ob patients. They didn't have to go through this tourture that I have had to and am currently going through to have a child. They just did the deed and then missed their next period and were pregnant. I know that I should be angry, but I am. I still have 6 hours of work left today. Ugh...I don't know how I can make it; 7 of my 10 remaining patients are ob patients. A phrase I learned in nursing seems quite fitting for today..."fake it till you make it"

Bloating!

I'm currently 2dpiui and have mercy am I bloated! With my previous 2 IUI's I've never had a problem with bloating, but today I'm a freaking balloon. I typically kick my shoes off while I'm sitting at my desk charting or answering phone messages from patients. Well this morning when I went to put them back on to check in a patient I barely got them on. I couldn't believe it! Then I look at my hands and my fingers look like little sausages. I've heard that drinking lots of water helps reduce bloating so I'm going to try that today. Anyone have any other suggestions?

Let the waiting begin

IUI #3 was this afternoon. After a couple of little hiccups we ended up with what was probably our best sample yet and got it done. Now just waiting 14 to see if it stuck. Right now I'm very cautiously optimistic about everything. I have this gut feeling this time it will work. I've had this before and been wrong, but hopefully this time is different. The timing is quite perfect because we should find out if it stuck right around Father's Day. What a cool thing it would be if I took a test, and got a positive for my husband on Father's Day. I don't want to think about that too much, but think it would be really really cool!

We'll see what happens

In a few hours we will be going in for IUI #3. My follicle scan yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped it would, but I honestly wasn't surprised. I started having lots of sharp cramping pains on my left side, which I knew from my scan on Friday was the side my follicle was growing on. When I went in for the scan she said that I had one that was 13, but it had a jagged edge and with the cramping she thinks that the egg had been released that morning. So we decided to go ahead with the IUI today and see if anything happens. Hopefully this IUI along with the timed intercourse will work for us this month. We had quite the time scheduling the IUI because of my husband's work schedule. She wanted to do it as close to the positive opk (Sunday afternoon) and the cramping yesterday so we agreed on 0830 today. I called my husband as soon as we got out and of course he can't do that because of the stupid training they are doing! I was so mad! I don't make him come to any of my appointments with me, he doesn't have to do anything except show up that one day with that junk in the cup. I know that in his way he is supportive, but I don't feel like he is most of the time. He is constantly complaining about how crazy I get on the meds and such. I can't wait to finally have success and to be a mom.

This whole fertility thing is really taking toll on me mentally. I know that a big part of it is because of working on OB-Gyn dept. It is so hard for me to see all the pregnant women, especially all the ones that are not in a stable relationship or don't take care of themselves and the growing baby. Yesterday we had a young girl come in who got pregnant while on birth control and has PCOS! Are you kidding me?!?! It's so hard to fake being happy all day and then come home and not feel like I can't let it all out when I get home. Only a couple more months and I will back into surgery, I can't wait!