A Day Full of Disappointment

Today started off horrible. It turns out last night I forgot to turn my alarms back on and ended up waking up 15 min before I had to be at work. Fabulous! Then I looked in the mirror and looked like freaking Medusa with my hair going all different directions and realized I must shower...there's no skipping that this morning. Finally I arrive at work, a mere 33 minutes late. I also decided to do a pregnancy test this morning. Surprise, surprise it was negative. Shocking I know. That being said I'm currently only 11dpiui so it could still be too early. I have read several stories of women who tested negative up until day 14 or so, but it's still disappointing. Then as if that isn't all bad enough today I get a call from my husband telling me about his doctors appointment. To say that was a huge let down is like saying Mount Everest is a small hill. He said that the doctor couldn't explain what was causing his pain, and that it is actually quite common in men. Then she said that based on his second SA results she doesn't understand why we can't conceive. She said that as long as the volume was over 1ml (his was 1.2 ml) then there shouldn't be a problem. They did finally do the testosterone check that we have wanted since he got home from deployment last April, but said that it wouldn't be an accurate number because it was drawn in the late morning and it's supposed to be drawn first thing in the morning. Ugh! He said that are somethings that she ordered for him to do once he got back up here, but said that overall it was a total waste of every one's time and money for him to go down there. I had so much hope put into this appointment! I'm hoping that if his testosterone does end up coming back abnormal that they will treat it or have him go into the lab up here and have it redrawn and not just say that it's off because of the time that it was drawn and blow it off. I think what frustrates me the most is that everyone seems to be blowing off the fact that he did have lots of trauma to his genital area in the IED and that could have lasting effects. He said that he tried to tell her that several times, but she just seemed to brush it aside, which is exactly what my doctor did when I told her.

The good news is that I had a great conversation time with our temporary roommate tonight and that my husband is coming home tomorrow. Despite the fact that he drives me absolutely nuts frequently I miss him like crazy when he is gone. I love having the ability to really stretch out in our bed, but totally miss cuddling with him. I can't wait to come home from work tomorrow and see him! Plus the two of us and our temporary roommate are headed out to the hockey game tomorrow night, which is sure to be lots of fun and excitement.

Longest 2 weeks ever

I'm over halfway done with the awful 2ww. Currently I'm 9dpiui, and try as I may I can't stop thinking about it. Did it work? Are the symptoms I'm having now related to pregnancy or just the lovely pms? I can't express how hard it is for me to not take a hpt, but I told myself I would wait until day 14. I have found so much "distraction" and encouragement from reading other fertility blogs and the fertility forums. I find such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. I read this today on a blog and decided I couldn't have put it better if I tried.

 "When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life. And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse. My heart aches more with every single day that passes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman. I see depression. I see weakness. In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness. I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner. And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers."
 

I have tried to describe to my husband multiple times how I feel about everything. He hates that I get so upset and so has decided that he doesn't really want to get too optimistic about anything because he doesn't want me to be more upset when it doesn't work yet again. I've tried to explain that no matter what attitude we take about it at the beginning of the cycle I will feel the same let down and depression at the end of the cycle.

Anyways, moving on. Hubby leaves tomorrow morning for his appt with urology. I'm so anxious, scared, and excited about this. I'm not naive enough to think that we will get all the answers and have a plan when he arrives back home on Friday, but at least we will have a start. I'm hopeful that they will finally do blood work to check his hormone levels and have an appropriate examination (the first one since the IED accident). He is actually quite anxious about it, which despite all the crap I've been giving him about it, I don't blame him at all. I would probably be just as anxious, in fact I probably am. My biggest fear is that they will do tests that come back saying that our only option is IVF with ICSI. All that is fancy lettering that means having to have an intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection; a type of in vitro fertilization when the sperm is directly injected into the egg cell. This would happen if he has a lot of anti-sperm antibodies due to the trauma from the IED. If that is the case that would mean lots of money out of pocket for us, having to go to Washington and take lots of time off work, and having to go on the wait list for up to a year. What's so frustrating is that I feel like all of that should be covered if that does end up being what we have to do because this was caused by a groin injury sustained while deployed as an active duty service member. There was a bill that was put before Congress two years ago that would have helped people in that situation, but it died and never even left the Senate. That's another rant for another time though.

I'm trying really hard to remain cautiously optimistic about our IUI working though. I've got my fingers crossed that this weekend will bring us good new both about the outcome of his appt and about the IUI!

Bittersweet

I now have a new nephew. He was born last night and I find it very bittersweet. My husband's older brother and his wife are the lucky ones. I'm so very happy for them. They already have a daughter who is 10 I believe. They tried for years to have her and then for years to have another one experiencing cancer and many miscarriages along the way. My sister-in-law and I had a lovely conversation about children and infertility last summer just a couple of months before she got pregnant. Despite the many years of infertility struggles she told me that they never felt like seeing a fertility doctor was for them. She seemed so at peace about it all, I totally envy that. She kept saying that she knew that if they were meant to have children then God would give them children. I wish I had that strong of faith. Unfortunately, I don't. She is totally an inspiration to me. I hope that one day I have the patience and faith of her.

Little update on our infertility journey. Today I'm 6dpiui. If everything worked out our little bean could be finding it's way to my lining and settling in for 9 months. I'm very nauseated today, have a horrible metallic type taste in my mouth, my boobs have really started to hurt and I'm exhausted. I know that it's really too early for symptoms, but I can't help it. Anyone who has ever been through the tortuous 2ww will understand. I know that the majority of my symptoms today can be attributed to the fact that both my husband and I are still sick. I'm opting to be optimistic today.

Today we had a totally Alaskan experience. The community center for post had a "Mush Madness." Mushing is the same thing as dog sledding. It's hugely popular up here. In Fairbanks, we have one race that alternates starting and finishing  here called the Yukon Quest. I'm very fascinated by dog mushing. Those dogs are all so smart and strong and the relationship that the musher has with each dog is amazing!

Feeling Discouraged

I'm 5dpiui today and not feeling as optimistic as when we were done on Sunday. Sunday afternoon we were both so darn optimistic that this was going to be our month. His "donation" was much larger than before and everything seemed to go so smoothly. Then Monday hit us. I was so crazy sick! Although the severity of the sickness has subsided I still feel very nauseated all the time. I can't eat anything with any real flavor because it makes me more nauseated. Ugh! I don't know if the almost constant nausea, the weather, history or a combination of all the above is what's causing the mood change or what. I love sunshine! It makes me so happy! That's my biggest challenge with living in Alaska. The super short days in the winter. We are back to having long days now, but the last two days it's been really overcast, we even had snow yesterday.

I wish that I could just fast forward 1 week. Then my husband would be home from his appt in Washington and we find out if it worked this month. The hormones from the HCG trigger shot on Satruday have definitely made me have crazy dreams, unfortunately all of them involve pregnancy or newborns. Some of them are crazy, yet happy and I hate waking up in the morning knowing that wasn't real and some are just plain out in left field crazy. I figure I'll know when the shot is out of my system because my dreams will go back to normal.

I was talking to my husband about this all last night. I was telling him that I feel so alone. There is no one that I know that understands what I'm going through. They don't get the pain/frustration/disappointment every month when AF arrives despite everything that you tried. A friend of mine told me how horrible it was when it didn't work for her the first month they tried and then didn't understand why I couldn't celebrate when it happened so easily for her next month. I just don't understand why I can't be a mom. I had three dreams in life. One was to be a nurse, which I accomplished with a lot of hard work and family support. The second was to be a wife and I got married Jan 3, 2009, to a man who truly loves me and get's me. Finally the third was to be a mom. I had no clue how hard this would be. I keep asking myself, what have I done wrong to not be able to be a mom, or how is it that people who are unfit parents have tons of kids. It really starts to wear on me! Plus I hate that the passion in our life is gone. Now our "intimacy" tends to run on a schedule. We have to force it on certain days of my cycle for optimal fertility chances and our best chance of conception happens in a doctors office! Why can't I just get it on with the man I love and have a child 9 months later like everyone else?

Sorry about the overall little pity party today. I wasn't kidding when I said that I was down today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and this will be our month!

A bit of a change

Initally we planned for our blog to be a way to keep our family up to date with everything going in our crazy adventure called life while we live in Alaska and where ever else the Army sends us. However, we quickly discovered that one: our life is boring and two: we have other means to keeping in touch with our families. However, I have decided to take this over as more of an outlet for my thoughts. I'm an open person and don't hesitate to share what's going on with others. Here's a hopefully short summary of what's weighing on my mind lately.

Right before he left for basic training in April 2010, we decided that it was time for me to go off birth control. We had been married for 15 months, wanted to have children, and knew he was about to leave for at least 3 months. Well, during the inital 8 weeks of basic training we both discovered that we were ready to try to start out family. He ended up getting injured in basic and sent home for convalesant leave and we "worked" like crazy to start our family that month. Unfortunately that didn't work, and was just the start of our story. We were finally reunited in Alaska, of all places, and tried for another 4 months or so with no success. Then came the dreaded year long deployment to Afghanistan. Unfortunately the deployement was no uneventful. He was involved in an IED accident. Thank the Lord he wasn't harmed really badly, but did injure his knee and groin. He's now been home for almost a year and still no children for us. We finally got a referred for infertility testing back in October. Finally I thought...we'll get some answers. Boy was I wrong! All we really found out was that I'm normal/healthy and he has low count, but my dr won't do anything for him and can't refer him until he has 2 SA's done and they can only be done every 3 months! So began the journey that has taught me that I have no patience! We did our first round of treatments in December 2012. I took clomid and then had to cancel the IUI for that month because I ovulated on my own. Then in January I took clomid again and ended up getting to have the IUI done. Unfortunately, due to stress and anxiety on him we had a horrible sample, which ended up also being a blessing. It showed my dr how big our problem was and got the repeat SA done. During the 3 months waiting for that I put him on all kinds of vitamins and supplements. His count did come up significantly, but was still low so he is finally getting referred to a doctor to examine everything. I'm so happy about that because no one had done any real exam on that since the IED! He leaves next week for that fun adventure. I'm super jealous about that though because he gets to go down to Washington!! So jealous of that! We had our second IUI done on Sunday and I'm going crazy waiting. I wish there was a way to find out sooner than 14 days if it worked or not.

So that didn't turn out to be a short summary really, but oh well. I never thought about infertility, especially being so young. I always thought that it only occured with older women. I have struggled a lot with our infertiility wondering why it was happening to us, if I was supposed to be a mom at all, am I just supposed to adopt children...and many many more questions. I am being forced to learn to be patient, and have really developed a new love and respect for my husband. This whole experience has definitely put a strain on our marriage at times, espeically while I'm taking Clomid, but he has stood by me and supported me the entire time. I could not have asked for a better partner to go through life with!

Reflections

Well, a new year has started. New Year's day is typically one of reflection on the previous year. 2011 has been a very challenging year for the Ward family. We started this year in Alaska together and were so thankful to finally be back together. I finally found a job in mid-January. I work in an orthopedic surgery clinic. While I love ortho pts this setting is much different than I was used to in the hospital. I have learned a lot from the clinic, but really miss the hospital. I must say though I work with some amazing people! Anyways, with the impending deployment Reed was facing he went down to California for training during the month of February. Let me tell you he was lucky to not be here! We had a crazy snow storm the last part of February that he was lucky enough to miss out on. Then came March and block leave. We had initially planned on coming back to Texas for block leave and seeing our families but that didn't really work out. Instead we ended up hanging out at home and making a trip to Anchorage. We had an amazing time together. Then unfortunately April came. I have decided that April is my least favorite month, not only did Reed leave for Afghanistan but a good friend of ours was killed in Iraq. Although Omar and I did not get along at all when we first met, I wanted to get along with him because he meant so much to my sister. I guess what finally helped us get along was when Reed joined the Army. Omar was so helpful and patient with me when I grew frustrated with the quirks of the Army and when I had questions. There have been so many times in the last year that I would have given anything to be able to talk to him. Anyways, once Reed left I started getting back into my life routine without my husband. Things were trucking along until June 13, that day has been seared into my mind and I can't forget it as hard as I try. I was working in the general surgery office and had left my phone on my desk while I checked in our morning patients. When I went back to my desk between patients and checked my phone I had something like 7 missed calls from Afghanistan and a message from my husband. He had been in an accident, but was ok. I felt like my world had fallen apart. Was he really ok or was he just saying that to keep me from stressing out? However, I had to continue checking in patients and have faith that if something was terribly wrong I would be told. I was finally able to talk to him and he did assure me that he was fine. He said that he was going to the hospital at the airfield but was fine. Turns out he was ok, the rear detachment captain called me that night to inform me of his injuries and was very kind in answering my questions. After that I because an anxious mess. I stopped sleeping through the night and would wake up at least once to see if I had heard from him because my night is his day. Finally mid-tour leave arrived! The two weeks I'd been dreaming of since April. We met in Lubbock for leave and had an amazing two weeks. We really loved hanging out with family and meeting Preston. Then off to Afghanistan he went and back to Alaska I went. Christmas was hard for me. I've never been so alone on my favorite holiday. We have about 4 months left of being half a world apart and I cannot wait until he comes home. There have been some benefits of his deployment though. We have had some amazing conversations about the different cultures of the world and have decided that one day we would love to travel to an underprivileged country somewhere and help the people there. Reed has developed a love for the people that live around him, other soldiers he has met from other countries. He is one of the only American soldiers that doesn't think he is above everyone else. His eyes have been opened to how the rest of the world lives and through his pictures he has opened my eyes and for that we are both thankful. The other benefit to come out of the deployment is that I have finally gotten the chance to make a lifestyle change that I have always wanted and to learn new hobbies. I have developed a love for knitting and the gym. Also during leave we started running and although I ended up with a stress fracture in my foot we are looking forward to doing some of the 5K's and maybe even a 10K this summer. I guess that pretty much sums up 2011 for the Ward's.

Random Thoughts...

Recently Reed and I have had some amazing discussions and the recent news stories have sparked something in my mind and I must get out what's inside. I don't care if anyone reads it, I just have to get it out.

Lets start with Muslims and people of Arab descent. Right now my husband is over fighting a war and risking his life because of the actions of a group of radical Muslims. We have had many discussions recently about how people treat Muslims and Arabs in this country. It's awful. Just because of a group of radicals Americans have decided that all Middle Easterners are bad people and don't deserve to live. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say that we need to just bring all the soldiers home and nuke both countries. How naive is that? First of all , not everyone over there is bad. Saying that all Middle-Easterners are bad because of this group of people is like saying that all Americans are bad because of one of the many gangs or saying all Christians are bad because of Westboro Baptist Church. Secondly, nuking those countries are not going to get rid of the evil we are fighting. In fact many believe that the radical groups have moved out of the two countries that we are currently fighting in. Plus killing evil with evil will never solve anything. We have seen this over and over again in the history of the world. Also, do we so easily forget the other evils of the world, like the shoe bomber. He was from England and was African American; he was a radical Muslim and didn't fit the "typical profile." Does that mean that we now have to hate anyone that's not "American" and who isn't white? Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to have my husband and all the other soldiers home. I have felt the pain the worse causes, the sadness of losing a close friend to the war and the fear of someone knocking on the door to tell me I'm now a widow. Last I checked America was a place where people were welcomed and allowed a freedom of religion. As long as they are not breaking any of the laws of the country I don't see what the problem is.

My next thoughts center around the video that was released this week of the Texas judge beating his daughter. I watched the video and it broke my heart. How can a person do that to their own flesh and blood? I know that I'm not a parent yet and so many people say that I have no right to say anything about disciplining children. I, however, have been a child, and I also have been around many different children and have seen many different types of discipline. Reed and I have discussed disciplining our children especially now that we are ready to start having our own kids. I must say I an totally against spanking children. As their mother I am supposed to be the person that loves, nurtures, and encourages them. I'm not supposed to be the person that causes them pain, in face I'm supposed to protect them from pain. However, if I spank them am I not doing the opposite? When I brought this though up before people have compared us spanking our kids to our kids touching a hot stove. I do not see that as the same thing. When a kid touches the hot stove they connect the two events and their actions directly cause the stove and every time they touch it they get the same results. When we spank the kids their actions do not directly cause the pain of spanking. Instead they do something, we get upset and then cause them pain. We have discussed this and both feel like some sort of constructive discipline is better for our kids. Constructive discipline simply means that the discipline somehow teaches the children why what they did was wrong. For example if they disrespect their elders then their punishment would somehow teach them why respecting their elders are so important. I also believe that calmly talking to children works better than yelling or threatening them every time. Anyways, back to the video. I can't imagine how that girls parents thought they were showing her their love by beating her with a belt. Also what could she possibly have learned from that experience except fear? There is such a fine line in my opinion between spanking and abuse. How do you know where that line is? How do you make sure that you don't cross it?