Longest 2 weeks ever

I'm over halfway done with the awful 2ww. Currently I'm 9dpiui, and try as I may I can't stop thinking about it. Did it work? Are the symptoms I'm having now related to pregnancy or just the lovely pms? I can't express how hard it is for me to not take a hpt, but I told myself I would wait until day 14. I have found so much "distraction" and encouragement from reading other fertility blogs and the fertility forums. I find such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. I read this today on a blog and decided I couldn't have put it better if I tried.

 "When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life. And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse. My heart aches more with every single day that passes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman. I see depression. I see weakness. In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness. I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner. And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers."
 

I have tried to describe to my husband multiple times how I feel about everything. He hates that I get so upset and so has decided that he doesn't really want to get too optimistic about anything because he doesn't want me to be more upset when it doesn't work yet again. I've tried to explain that no matter what attitude we take about it at the beginning of the cycle I will feel the same let down and depression at the end of the cycle.

Anyways, moving on. Hubby leaves tomorrow morning for his appt with urology. I'm so anxious, scared, and excited about this. I'm not naive enough to think that we will get all the answers and have a plan when he arrives back home on Friday, but at least we will have a start. I'm hopeful that they will finally do blood work to check his hormone levels and have an appropriate examination (the first one since the IED accident). He is actually quite anxious about it, which despite all the crap I've been giving him about it, I don't blame him at all. I would probably be just as anxious, in fact I probably am. My biggest fear is that they will do tests that come back saying that our only option is IVF with ICSI. All that is fancy lettering that means having to have an intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection; a type of in vitro fertilization when the sperm is directly injected into the egg cell. This would happen if he has a lot of anti-sperm antibodies due to the trauma from the IED. If that is the case that would mean lots of money out of pocket for us, having to go to Washington and take lots of time off work, and having to go on the wait list for up to a year. What's so frustrating is that I feel like all of that should be covered if that does end up being what we have to do because this was caused by a groin injury sustained while deployed as an active duty service member. There was a bill that was put before Congress two years ago that would have helped people in that situation, but it died and never even left the Senate. That's another rant for another time though.

I'm trying really hard to remain cautiously optimistic about our IUI working though. I've got my fingers crossed that this weekend will bring us good new both about the outcome of his appt and about the IUI!