Feeling Discouraged

I'm 5dpiui today and not feeling as optimistic as when we were done on Sunday. Sunday afternoon we were both so darn optimistic that this was going to be our month. His "donation" was much larger than before and everything seemed to go so smoothly. Then Monday hit us. I was so crazy sick! Although the severity of the sickness has subsided I still feel very nauseated all the time. I can't eat anything with any real flavor because it makes me more nauseated. Ugh! I don't know if the almost constant nausea, the weather, history or a combination of all the above is what's causing the mood change or what. I love sunshine! It makes me so happy! That's my biggest challenge with living in Alaska. The super short days in the winter. We are back to having long days now, but the last two days it's been really overcast, we even had snow yesterday.

I wish that I could just fast forward 1 week. Then my husband would be home from his appt in Washington and we find out if it worked this month. The hormones from the HCG trigger shot on Satruday have definitely made me have crazy dreams, unfortunately all of them involve pregnancy or newborns. Some of them are crazy, yet happy and I hate waking up in the morning knowing that wasn't real and some are just plain out in left field crazy. I figure I'll know when the shot is out of my system because my dreams will go back to normal.

I was talking to my husband about this all last night. I was telling him that I feel so alone. There is no one that I know that understands what I'm going through. They don't get the pain/frustration/disappointment every month when AF arrives despite everything that you tried. A friend of mine told me how horrible it was when it didn't work for her the first month they tried and then didn't understand why I couldn't celebrate when it happened so easily for her next month. I just don't understand why I can't be a mom. I had three dreams in life. One was to be a nurse, which I accomplished with a lot of hard work and family support. The second was to be a wife and I got married Jan 3, 2009, to a man who truly loves me and get's me. Finally the third was to be a mom. I had no clue how hard this would be. I keep asking myself, what have I done wrong to not be able to be a mom, or how is it that people who are unfit parents have tons of kids. It really starts to wear on me! Plus I hate that the passion in our life is gone. Now our "intimacy" tends to run on a schedule. We have to force it on certain days of my cycle for optimal fertility chances and our best chance of conception happens in a doctors office! Why can't I just get it on with the man I love and have a child 9 months later like everyone else?

Sorry about the overall little pity party today. I wasn't kidding when I said that I was down today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and this will be our month!