November 26, 2013
Same story different month
Today I had my follicle scan. I knew when they scheduled my appointment for today it wasn't going to work. If I know one thing it's my body. However, due the the holidays and the clinic's schedule I had to come in today to have any hope of an IUI this cycle. She found that I only have 1 dominate follicle on my left at it's only 1cm. It has to be at least 1.8cm in order to trigger and do the IUI. We initially discussed having me come back tomorrow and see how much they have grown. However after having time to think about it I would rather just do timed intercourse and have a day 21 progesterone drawn to see if I ovulated. I'm so frustrated at this point! I'm tired of going through all this and putting not only my self, but my husband through it. I want to know why I can't conceive and why I have stopped ovulating on my own. If I am honest with myself I know that I have stopped ovulating because of my weight. However I can't find the motivation to do the extreme diet and exercise I have to do in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of venting about all this to my co-worker. She used to be really supportive of me. She went through "sub fertility" 20 years ago and was pregnant 7 times before she was able to have her 2 children. However, recently she keeps telling me that it isn't going to work because I'm too worked up and stressed about it. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm stressed about it really. Yeah sure I keep track of what day I'm on, but I don't obsess about it the way that I used to. Yes I do opk's and, until the dog at my thermometer, was doing my bbt daily, but I don't really see that as stressing over it. Her advise to me this morning was to have a couple of drinks and relax over Thanksgiving. First of all, that wasn't helpful and kind of hurt actually. Secondly, I can't drink anymore. I used to be able to have a couple of drinks occasionally, but now even just one drink will trigger a migraine for me. When I pointed that out she rolled her eyes at me and told me that I just need to chill out. Are you kidding me?!? I know that she feel positive that I will have two children, but still. I'm so tired of people telling me to chill out about this! I just want to cry, but unfortunately I'm stuck at work for another 6 hours. I feel like such a fat failure today. When I look in the mirror all I see is an obese failure of a woman. I wish I had the ability to take a mental health day from work, but we do get Thursday and Friday off so that will be a nice break.
November 25, 2013
Fingers Crossed
Tomorrow is cd11 and my doctor wants me to come in for a follicle scan. She thinks that they will be mature enough for me to trigger tomorrow and do the IUI on Wednesday. I have my doubts, but we shall see. I started doing opk's last night and while it was a negative, it was a fairly dark line, much darker than I ever got last month. Maybe she will be right and they will be mature enough to do the IUI Wednesday.
One of the things that we do as a hobby is take pictures. Typically we just do so for ourselves, however last year we took some for a friend of mine for her Christmas cards. Well she liked them enough to ask us to do them for her again this year. Last year we took lovely pictures at a local park. However this year was challenging because she wanted to do it during a walk with reindeer. Trying to get good pictures of them with reindeer proved to be challenging. We ended up with several shots where the antlers were covering at least one of their faces, but we did get some good pictures as well. If you ever travel to the Fairbanks area I highly recommend doing the walk with reindeer. Running Reindeer Ranch is open year around and not only do you get to walk and interact with the reindeer, but after the walk the couple invites you into their house for a warm drink and they teach you about reindeer. It's a lot of fun and very educational.
One of the things that we do as a hobby is take pictures. Typically we just do so for ourselves, however last year we took some for a friend of mine for her Christmas cards. Well she liked them enough to ask us to do them for her again this year. Last year we took lovely pictures at a local park. However this year was challenging because she wanted to do it during a walk with reindeer. Trying to get good pictures of them with reindeer proved to be challenging. We ended up with several shots where the antlers were covering at least one of their faces, but we did get some good pictures as well. If you ever travel to the Fairbanks area I highly recommend doing the walk with reindeer. Running Reindeer Ranch is open year around and not only do you get to walk and interact with the reindeer, but after the walk the couple invites you into their house for a warm drink and they teach you about reindeer. It's a lot of fun and very educational.
November 18, 2013
Tired & Angry
For the last two days I've been very angry. I'm so sick of not being able to be a mom. I was there for one of my friends while she miscarried last week, and am currently helping another one deal with a possible miscarriage. However, are they there for me? Hell no!I'm tired of being used! I'm tired of people running to me with all their pregnancy questions because I'm a nurse and know a lot due to my tireless research because of our infertility. It's totally different if they are there to support me as well. My neighbor is amazing like that! She talks to me about her pregnancies and concerns and I help her through them, then she asks me how our treatments are going and what the next step is and such. She is totally supportive of me. I don't know how to get over my anger. I can't block myself off from everyone, that's not healthy. However, it also isn't healthy to hold in my anger.
Another thing fueling my anger is my husband's lack of boundaries. One of his soldiers spends more time at our house than anywhere else. In the last 10 days, my husband and I have had 1 evening to ourselves, the other 9 this guy was there. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy and helps out around the house a lot, but I feel like 9 nights out of 10 is a bit much for anyone.
On top of that AF finally decided to make her appearance on Saturday. Unfortunately, based on my stupid doctor's rule of not doing anything on weekends or holidays we won't get to do an IUI this month. I was so upset when AF showed up because I knew that was going to happen. I went ahead and called to schedule my day 12 ultrasound, but surprise, surprise, she is totally booked that day. I'm afraid she won't even do it since there is no chance for an IUI. If that's the case then I'm going to see if one of the doctors I used to work with would do a scan for me to see if anything is growing. I know that they can't do the IUI, but I would like to know if my follicles are even responding since this will be the first cycle with this medication.
Another thing fueling my anger is my husband's lack of boundaries. One of his soldiers spends more time at our house than anywhere else. In the last 10 days, my husband and I have had 1 evening to ourselves, the other 9 this guy was there. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy and helps out around the house a lot, but I feel like 9 nights out of 10 is a bit much for anyone.
On top of that AF finally decided to make her appearance on Saturday. Unfortunately, based on my stupid doctor's rule of not doing anything on weekends or holidays we won't get to do an IUI this month. I was so upset when AF showed up because I knew that was going to happen. I went ahead and called to schedule my day 12 ultrasound, but surprise, surprise, she is totally booked that day. I'm afraid she won't even do it since there is no chance for an IUI. If that's the case then I'm going to see if one of the doctors I used to work with would do a scan for me to see if anything is growing. I know that they can't do the IUI, but I would like to know if my follicles are even responding since this will be the first cycle with this medication.
November 11, 2013
Adoption No Go
Well our adoption meeting on Friday was absolutely horrible! We left there and both agreed that adoption wasn't for us. The Reed shocked the crap outta me and said that he would rather try several rounds of IVF before looking into adoption again. What a huge change! Last year at this time he didn't want anything to do with IVF.
Here's the details on our adoption appointment. We show up at 1300, my poor husband sounded so sick and was totally exhausted from being in the field all week, and go to the door to find the building locked. As we are halfway back to the car (because it's cold and snowing) someone comes running to open the door for us. We proceed to tell them why they are they and they go to tell the lady that we're there and tell us it'll be a few minutes. Twenty minutes passes and we are about to leave when the lady at the desk decides to finally call the lady we were supposed to meet with to tell us that we were there because she isn't even in the building!! Seriously?!? Finally we get back to the lady's office (30 minutes late) and proceed with the "interview." We find out that we are at the top of their bracket for income so it'll cost us $21,500 to adopt. Ugh! Then she is telling us about a couple who adopted from overseas to show us the difference in the process and in the middle of the story says that they are adopting because they care about children, not because they can't conceive. I was so hurt by that! I felt like she was telling us that we didn't care about kids! Are you kidding me?!? Do you know what we have put ourselves through in order to have a child of our own?!? Do not ever tell me that I don't care about kids because I wouldn't be doing everything that I'm doing if I didn't care! After that I honestly stopped listening and did everything I could to keep from crying.
As soon as we walked out of that office we decided that we would NEVER go through them to adopt a child. If we do decide to look into adoption again then we will look to other agencies in the lower 48. However, we're going to keep our fingers crossed that this next round of IUI with Femara with work. Just waiting on AF to arrive now.
Here's the details on our adoption appointment. We show up at 1300, my poor husband sounded so sick and was totally exhausted from being in the field all week, and go to the door to find the building locked. As we are halfway back to the car (because it's cold and snowing) someone comes running to open the door for us. We proceed to tell them why they are they and they go to tell the lady that we're there and tell us it'll be a few minutes. Twenty minutes passes and we are about to leave when the lady at the desk decides to finally call the lady we were supposed to meet with to tell us that we were there because she isn't even in the building!! Seriously?!? Finally we get back to the lady's office (30 minutes late) and proceed with the "interview." We find out that we are at the top of their bracket for income so it'll cost us $21,500 to adopt. Ugh! Then she is telling us about a couple who adopted from overseas to show us the difference in the process and in the middle of the story says that they are adopting because they care about children, not because they can't conceive. I was so hurt by that! I felt like she was telling us that we didn't care about kids! Are you kidding me?!? Do you know what we have put ourselves through in order to have a child of our own?!? Do not ever tell me that I don't care about kids because I wouldn't be doing everything that I'm doing if I didn't care! After that I honestly stopped listening and did everything I could to keep from crying.
As soon as we walked out of that office we decided that we would NEVER go through them to adopt a child. If we do decide to look into adoption again then we will look to other agencies in the lower 48. However, we're going to keep our fingers crossed that this next round of IUI with Femara with work. Just waiting on AF to arrive now.
November 4, 2013
Adoption?
I have absolutely no faith that this next cycle, the first with Femara, is going to work. I honestly feel like it is impossible for me to get pregnant. That being said, Reed hates seeing me so upset month after month and suggested that we start looking into adoption. He initally said that he didn't want to do that until I was 30 (just under 2.5 years from now), but has since changed his mind. He wants a family too. I know he does, he just doesn't say it and does his best to keep his cool so that I don't feel any worse than I already do.
Last week I called and got information from the local adoption agency. I nearly fell over when I saw that it would cost anywhere fom $13,500 - $21,500 for a private adoption and that this was based on a sliding scale. Ugh! My husband cheerfully added that the "military will help us pay for it." To which I had to burst his bubble and say that they only pay $2000. After reading through the education that the center gave us I called to schedule our intake interview. Again I was shocked that will cost us $75. Just to find out more and where to start costs money!! I have always wondered why so many people adopt from foreign countries when there are so many children in America that need adopting. I think it's sad that there are so many kids who age out of the system and are never adopted. However, our country does nothing to really help those kids. I'm hoping that our intake appointment goes well and that we get the information that we are looking for. One thing we found while reading the information they sent us was that almost all their adoptions are at least partially open. We both really want a closed adoption. I feel like if it were an open adoption I would feel like it wasn't our child, but this other person's that we are just raising. I'm sure that wouldn't be the case once we actually get the child, but is still a big fear of mine. What if they say that we can't adopt through them if we want a closed adoption? What does a semi open adoption mean?
Last week I called and got information from the local adoption agency. I nearly fell over when I saw that it would cost anywhere fom $13,500 - $21,500 for a private adoption and that this was based on a sliding scale. Ugh! My husband cheerfully added that the "military will help us pay for it." To which I had to burst his bubble and say that they only pay $2000. After reading through the education that the center gave us I called to schedule our intake interview. Again I was shocked that will cost us $75. Just to find out more and where to start costs money!! I have always wondered why so many people adopt from foreign countries when there are so many children in America that need adopting. I think it's sad that there are so many kids who age out of the system and are never adopted. However, our country does nothing to really help those kids. I'm hoping that our intake appointment goes well and that we get the information that we are looking for. One thing we found while reading the information they sent us was that almost all their adoptions are at least partially open. We both really want a closed adoption. I feel like if it were an open adoption I would feel like it wasn't our child, but this other person's that we are just raising. I'm sure that wouldn't be the case once we actually get the child, but is still a big fear of mine. What if they say that we can't adopt through them if we want a closed adoption? What does a semi open adoption mean?
November 1, 2013
Punishment?
Sometimes, especially right now, I feel like I'm being punished for something which is why we can't have a child. Am I being punished for not regularly going to church anymore? Is it because I put off having a family so I could finish my education and establish a carer? Is it because of the less than ideal choices I have made in the past? I can't really explain why I feel as if I'm being punished, but from what I understand this is a common feeling related to infertility.
On top of feeling punished I feel like I am only half a woman. Women, by their very nature, are created to be more nuturing and loving and to have children. We endure the misery of AF knowing/hoping that one day it will all pay off by concieving a child. However, that doesn't work out for me. I firmly believe that it is impossible for me to get pregnant.
Last night was terribly rough for me. I had to go pick up my fertility medication yesterday. I was supposed to get both the Provera and Femara. So I arrive at the hospital (where our pharmacy)only to find that the parking lot (which is way too small anyway) is over crowded because of trick-or-treating going on there. Afer finally finding a place to park, I walk in to find that the whole place is crowded with kids in various costumes and their parents. It was like the world was reminding me that I don't and can't have children of my own. Then I get to the pharmacy and find two women right in front of me breatfeeding their tiny babies. Are you kidding me?!? I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Hopefully today will be better! We are looking at doing our next IUI the week of Thanksgiving if everything goes like it should. Praying for my miracle then.
On top of feeling punished I feel like I am only half a woman. Women, by their very nature, are created to be more nuturing and loving and to have children. We endure the misery of AF knowing/hoping that one day it will all pay off by concieving a child. However, that doesn't work out for me. I firmly believe that it is impossible for me to get pregnant.
Last night was terribly rough for me. I had to go pick up my fertility medication yesterday. I was supposed to get both the Provera and Femara. So I arrive at the hospital (where our pharmacy)only to find that the parking lot (which is way too small anyway) is over crowded because of trick-or-treating going on there. Afer finally finding a place to park, I walk in to find that the whole place is crowded with kids in various costumes and their parents. It was like the world was reminding me that I don't and can't have children of my own. Then I get to the pharmacy and find two women right in front of me breatfeeding their tiny babies. Are you kidding me?!? I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Hopefully today will be better! We are looking at doing our next IUI the week of Thanksgiving if everything goes like it should. Praying for my miracle then.
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