Punishment?

Sometimes, especially right now, I feel like I'm being punished for something which is why we can't have a child. Am I being punished for not regularly going to church anymore? Is it because I put off having a family so I could finish my education and establish a carer? Is it because of the less than ideal choices I have made in the past? I can't really explain why I feel as if I'm being punished, but from what I understand this is a common feeling related to infertility.

On top of feeling punished I feel like I am only half a woman. Women, by their very nature, are created to be more nuturing and loving and to have children. We endure the misery of AF knowing/hoping that one day it will all pay off by concieving a child. However, that doesn't work out for me. I firmly believe that it is impossible for me to get pregnant.

Last night was terribly rough for me. I had to go pick up my fertility medication yesterday. I was supposed to get both the Provera and Femara. So I arrive at the hospital (where our pharmacy)only to find that the parking lot (which is way too small anyway) is over crowded because of trick-or-treating going on there. Afer finally finding a place to park, I walk in to find that the whole place is crowded with kids in various costumes and their parents. It was like the world was reminding me that I don't and can't have children of my own. Then I get to the pharmacy and find two women right in front of me breatfeeding their tiny babies. Are you kidding me?!? I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Hopefully today will be better! We are looking at doing our next IUI the week of Thanksgiving if everything goes like it should. Praying for my miracle then.

Entering the Operating Room

I spent the first half of my career as a RN taking care of people after surgery in the hospital and the second half of my career taking care of them in the physician office before and after surgery. However today I finally got to help take care of my patients IN the operating room! The surgeon that I work with is just out of residency and not jaded to the world of surgery and has wanted me to come into the operating room with her since her first OR day basically. This finally happened today. It was AMAZING!! I love everything about it. We did a total of 3 surgeries today and after the first one I relaxed and really enjoyed it all. My surgeon and our OR staff were amazing and not intimidating at all which totally helped!! I can't wait to go back!!

3 types of pregnant women

I have come to the conclusion that there are three basic types of pregnant women. The first are the ones who are fertile myrtles and have no idea what it is like to struggle to have a baby. They have no understanding or respect really for the feelings of an infertile woman. The second type are the ones who don't necessarily have a hard time getting pregnant, but do have to try a bit harder than the type one women and are more understanding of infertile women. Then there are the ones who struggle for years to conceive. They understand the pain that each pregnancy announcement and "baby bump" picture brings. Unfortunately I will be like the type three women once, if ever, I am finally able to conceive.

The majority of my "friends" are type one. They are pregnant almost as soon as they start to try to have a baby. I don't really think of them as real friends because they only talk to me when they need something or want to vent their frustrations/misery to someone. They don't know if something is safe during pregnancy and they don't trust their doctor (which is another story all together); they have no problem coming to me because I'm a nurse so I must know. They also think that there is nothing wrong with coming to me to complain about their pregnancy symptoms (i.e. how much their boobs hurts or how sick they are or how much weight they have gained) and how overbearing their husbands are. Plus don't think when they talk about how much caffeine they have because they are "so tired." Are you kidding me?!? Do you know how bad caffeine is for the baby?!? I'm sure that they don't mean to cause pain, but if all you ever talk about is your pregnancy/baby it hurts. I'm sure other women who have struggled or are struggling with infertility will understand.

Then there are the women who have had to actually try to get pregnant. While they don't have the diagnosis of infertility, it does take them several months to get pregnant. These women are more understanding of what it feels like to not be able to conceive right away. They, on average, are more likely to make healthy options for themselves and the baby. They take the nausea and fatigue in stride and just accept that it is part of growing a human inside of you. You rarely hear them complain about their pregnancy and when you do it's cause for concern because it really is something wrong. They do lots of research on their own about what is best for the baby and what is not. When you talk to them not everything revolves around them and their pregnancy. You talk about the latest news, the crazy weather in Alaska, your dog, their daughter, both of your husband’s jobs, anything and everything and you feel like they truly care about you as a person! They know that they can come to you to ask questions related to their pregnancy and you will gladly help them. However, they also take the time to ask how you are doing, how the whole infertility thing is going and tell you that if it gets too much for you to let them know. I'm so lucky that my neighbor, Crystal, is this way! Unfortunately they are scheduled to move in April and I will miss chatting outside while the kids and dog play.

Finally there are the women who have struggled and beat infertility. Ok, so maybe beat isn't the right word but it's the best I could think of. These women totally get it. They know how much of a miracle a pregnancy and baby are and are so thankful to be where they are. I used to work in an OB/Gyn clinic and we had a patient who found out she was pregnant in our office and immediately broke down. Turns out she and her husband had been trying for 8 years to have a child of their own and had finally just given up. At her first appointment with the OB provider she told us that not only was she really nauseated at the time, but that she got so violently ill one night that she ruptured a blood vessel on her temple. However, she didn't complain. She just smiled and said that it didn't matter because she was so thankful to have this baby. She was a huge sore of hope and inspiration to me personally. She is coming up on her due date soon and I'm sad that I no longer work there so I won't get to see her baby.

Follow up Appointment

Today was my follow up appointment with my doctor after the HSG and pelvic ultrasound. She said that everything looked normal so we are going to proceed with the plan of Femara on days 3-7 and then a follicle scan on cd12. I asked her about this cycle and the chance that I haven't ovulated and she kinda blew me off which is terribly frustrating. I asked if maybe because I drink too much water that my urine is too diluted to give a positive result. She basically interrupted me and said that wouldn't matter. The nurse, who actually listened, seemed to agree with my theory. Anyways, she didn't want to do any lab work this time to see if I actually ovulated on my own, instead she wants to wait and have me call her on cd45 if I don't start. Ugh!!! I just want to scream! Why make me wait when we know that I haven't ovulated on my own recently! Then to make things worse, she told us that she doesn't do IUI's on the weekends or holidays when the clinic staff is closed. Basically if there is no nursing staff she won't do it! My last doctor would come in on the weekends or whatever because it's not like I can control when my body decides to ovulate. I just want to slam my head against the wall over and over again with frustration. Why must everything be do freaking hard?!? Why do I feel like I have to jump through freaking hoops just to have a child? My efforts to remain optimistic and positive about this whole things have fallen flat and I'm a "doubting Thomas" again! Why does everything seem to come so easily to everyone around me, but I have to struggle for everything!

In other news all of my supplements have come in! I'm excited to try those and see if they work and if I start feeling more like my old self (pre-Clomid) again. Here's the supplements I'm taking: Fish Oil, Co-Q 10, Cholesterol Balance (on top of fertility we have discovered my cholesterol is slightly elevated and my liver is "fatty"), Vitamin B-12, N-Acetyl Cysteine, Fertility Blend, Vitamin D, and Prenatal Vitamins. I feel like a crazy old lady with all my pills, but I firmly believe in supplements, especially for DHA & EPA (found in the fish oil) because I can't stand fish most of the time. I chose these supplements based on a very helpful book,Be Fruitful by Dr Victoria Maizes. One of the OB-Gyn's recommended this book because she is friends with Dr Maize and really respects her insight on infertility. Dr Maize is a very well known integrative medicine physician in Arizona and while she recognizes the importance of and need for Western medicine, she also knows that eastern medicine is also very effective. I figure that nothing else has worked, so why not try it. It won't hurt anything and there is strong evidence of these supplements helping women conceive.
On top of starting new supplements to help conceive I'm also back on the wagon so to speak in regards to exercise. I'm so tired of being overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. I look at myself in the mirror every day with disgust with what I have let become of my body. My husband is all about me being healthier because if I'm healthier he will be too. So he has committed to helping me get up every morning when he gets up for PT, which is normally around 0515, so that I can do my own exercises. Today was brutal because it was the first day and I didn't sleep well last night at all, but I'm determined to do it so hopefully it'll get easier one day.

Another couple of setbacks

My follow up with my doctor after the HSG & pelvic ultrasound was supposed to be this coming Thursday. Our plan was to discuss the test results and get everything ready for Femara & IUI with the next cycle. However, Friday afternoon I got a call from her office saying that she had to go on emergency leave and I would have to be rescheduled to her next available appointment was October 23. I sat at my desk and cried because this means that most likely we won't get to do any treatments for the first 2 cycles after our HSG which are supposed to be the 2 most fertile. Then to make matters worse my husband has to go out to the field all week this week which means that he will probably be gone when I ovulate, if I ovulate on my own. Seriously?!? Can't a girl catch a break?

Now onto a problem. I've been doing opk's twice a day (at lunch and after work) since Thursday. I never got a positive result and now the lines seem to be getting lighter. I forgot to test at lunch, but when I came home there was no second line at all. I thought that maybe it was because I had too much water today and my urine was too diluted, so I refrained from drinking much tonight and tested again. This time I can't tell if there is a line there at all or if my eyes are seeing things. If there is one it is incredibly light. Has this happened to anyone else? Can anyone help me out with what is going on?

Rantings of a bitter infertile

I moved out of ob/gyn to work in a surgery clinic because I couldn't handle constantly hearing about babies and pregnancies! I loved working in women's health and I find it a very interesting aspect of nursing, but since I'm infertile I can't handle it mentally and emotionally. However, in my first couple of days in general surgery one of the receptionist joked that she was infertile because she doesn't like kids. She isn't infertile...she's on birth control to prevent having children. That is completely different! Then today I'm sitting at my desk researching ways to further my education & career since my surgeon was in surgery and my co-worker who shares a space with me, but works in a different department is going off with one of the other ladies that works in her department about pregnancies and how her son's girlfriend is pregnant. I couldn't take it, I had to walk away. I'm very open with my co-workers and they all know that I'm infertile and going through various treatments/tortures to try to have children. Typically they are understanding and try not to have "those" conversations around me because they it's something that I struggle greatly with. However this particular co-worker believe the myth that if you stop trying or stop thinking about it, it will happen. It took a lot of restraint on my part to keep from slapping her when she said that.

All clear

Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound and HSG. Those were a blast...just kidding! The pelvic ultrasound wasn't too bad, up until she had to look at my kidneys. Who knew that kidneys were involved in pelvic ultrasounds?!? That's when it got uncomfortable, having to look up under my ribs. Not only was it not fun, but it brought back the horror of my first echo where they found the hole in my heart. Thankfully though, no holes were found in the kidneys! The ultrasound tech told me that my ultrasound looked normal as far as she could tell, but we have to wait until next Thursday to get the official word from my doctor. Speaking of the tech she was not my favorite person. She confirmed with me on the way back to the room that I was not pregnant and had never been pregnant. Then while explaining the HSG she repeated that information no less than 4 times. I wanted to say, "I get it, I'm not currently nor have I ever been pregnant," but I just kept my mouth shut. She also explained things in very "dumbed down" term, it was almost insulting. I'm a smart women who happens to be a nurse and also researches everything like crazy. Although I understand why she explained everything like that I couldn't help but be slightly offended. Prior to the HSG I had to have a pregnancy test. Yes I understand the reasoning for it, but still sucks to see the stark white negative. As I looked down at the negative test I found myself wondering what it would feel like to see two pink lines. Hopefully one day I will know what that feels like. Next came the HSG. Unfortunately they wouldn't let my husband come in the room with me so it was just me, the tech and the doctor. That was a pretty miserable experience. After digging to what felt like China down there he decided to use a bigger speculum and then resumed digging only to "take a break" a little while later. Then he resumed and said that he was having problems because my cervix was angled down. Hmm...never heard that before, maybe that could be part of our problems. Finally he was able to get the catheter into my cervix. Next came the dye, talk about pain! Luckily the dye went through both tubes. It took longer on the right side, but eventually it went though. Once everything was removed the initial cramping and pain was over. My husband greeted me in the lobby with a grateful hug when I told him everything looked ok and then I went to work thinking the pain was over. Boy was I wrong! About 3 hours later I was hit suddenly with severe pain in my entire abdomen. It was like I was full of gas, but there was no gas. I tried everything I could think of to make it go away and nothing worked. Finally, thanks to benadryl, I was able to go to sleep. Today I still have the pain, but not as bad as last night. It still hurts when I go from sitting to standing and just aches all the time. I really wish that my doctor had warned me about the pain afterwards and that the ultrasound tech, in all her explaining, had told me that might happen. Although I admittedly tuned out when she kept repeating my pregnancy history, or lack there of, I don't recall hearing anything about the pain. Maybe an take home handout would be a good idea? I start doing my opk's on Thursday and hopefully will ovulate on my own this month. Then next week we'll review everything and set up a plan for next cycle, although I'm secretly hoping that by having my tubes cleaned out it'll happen for us this month.